writers_muses: 26.6. Time.

[worldfromafar]

Just a quick note from the mun: With this post Remus is back to the house (in grownhp6words 'verse), so anyone in the house is welcome to react to this. Same goes with anyone wanting to just drop by even if they aren't at the house, by the way. Different threads are welcome. Also, the icon does not necessarily reflect how he looks when he walks in the house (saying this just in case); it's mostly how he's feeling internally. This can be used in bendy-time so it can be placed before the protest, etc.


Time. That's what Remus had asked for when he had left, hadn't he? Time to sort himself out. Time to figure out what had happened the night of the full moon. Time to go back to being that person that he had been just a month ago.

In all the time he was away, Remus did learn something and he learned it well. Or, rather, he re-learned that lesson because once upon a time he had been an expert at that subject.

Time had nothing to do with anything. Time didn't really fix things. Time allowed to find a way of dealing with situations, but it wasn't necessarily dealing with whatever the problem was. It was just to find a simple solution; or at least the one that seemed as simple. It was easy to find a way to not focus so much on something.

He had been gone almost a month from his family and, even if he had felt guilty the whole time, he knew he had done the right thing. The children didn't need to see him how he had been and, while he still believed that, Anna Min's gift had jolted Remus in a way that nothing else had. It reminded him that, no matter how much he could try to force himself to remember, or how much he could try to focus on something else rather than the guilt and everything else that was eating him alive, time still passed. Time had kept passing, and he was being a horrible father and husband.

In a way now he had something new to focus on. It wasn't that night where it had all gone wrong. It wasn't the fact that he had woken up covered in blood after a transformation. It wasn't that he couldn't remember what had happened. Now he had to focus on his children. On his family. They needed him, and that was what mattered.

Taking one last glimpse into the mirror, Remus could see the time that had passed reflected in his eyes. That was another reason why he avoided mirrors lately - they showed too much. Part of him was worried he'd look up to see the wolf sketched along his figures, and the other part hated to see what was left behind. He hated to see what he hid from everyone with polite smiles, and normal conversations. Behind all that there was just...nothing. A blank. Time had passed, and it reflected in how weary he really looked once he stopped smiling. His hair had more specks of gray than before, and whatever weight he would normally gain before the full moon was nonexistent now.

He was different. Dora didn't know the details from him on why, exactly, he had stayed away from home but things had changed. Drastically. That much he had said, more than once. To her, and to those he confided in.

Things weren't the same.

He wasn't the same.

Like it had been happening lately, however, as soon as he set foot in the house once leaving Hogwarts, the mask was firmly in place without him being fully aware of it. That had been his way of dealing with things once, and it had stuck for the rest of his life. Time had taught him that. Fit the role, play the part, and do things right. That had been some sort of motto throughout various parts of his life, and this wasn't the exception. He would do whatever he had to do to be like the husband, and the father, he was supposed to be.

Comments

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

Tonks was in the kitchen, clearing out the table when she heard the crack of apparition, and her eyes shot out the window, out of many years of habit.

And she saw that so-familiar, dark-cloaked tall figure making his way to the door, and her mind exploded.

He's back. He's here.

Home.

What did happen? Will he tell me?

How...

The sound of the shattering of the plate she'd been holding, on the floor, snapped her out that whirlwind. She sighed and closed her eyes, then quickly took her wand and fixed the plate, sending it in the direction of the sink (she couldn't just leave the pieces around, somebody might get cut). And then she walked out to meet him.

She'd seen him at Hogwarts, of course, so she shouldn't be so startled at how he looked, but...

Standing here, home: gaunt, greyer, paler - made her heart twist. She paused for a moment, not certain how much space he still needed, but then something in her snapped and she went to him, wrapping her arms tight around him, her voice soft as she couldn't find better words right then than, "Oy, Remus! ... Welcome home."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Remus flinched at the hug, but he didn't pull back. He had known this would happen upon returning and had been trying to prepare himself for it, but...well, he had to get used to it. Maybe this was the only way of doing so.

Wrapping an arm around her for a brief moment, because he couldn't hold it for long, he gave a small nod. "Thank you. I'm sorry I was gone for so long."

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

The flinch... the way his body didn't relax into the hug, made her heart turn cold for a moment, but she was very grateful he didn't break away. She pulled back when his arm let go of her and peered up at his face.

So thin. So... tired. Merlin!

She raised a finger to her lips and smiled very slightly through her worry. "Shh. Don't be sorry for doing what is needed. Lemme take that cloak... The fire's burning - come and sit." She would have been bouncing if she only had the energy for it. As it was, she was just... there. She felt she had more rested than what he looked to be at the moment, anyway, so it was her turn to do, even if all she wanted was to have him sit comfortably and... curl by his feet. Keep the world at bay, away from him. Not the children, not the friends who cared for him, just... the rest of the world.

"Have you had anything to eat for dinner?" Or at all today?

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

When she asked for the cloak Remus shook his head slightly, as if to tell her it was fine and that he could put the cloak away himself, before actually doing so. He didn't want to sit. Part of him still wanted to leave, and it was causing him to be a little restless because of it.

"I had something before coming over," he said once the cloak was put away, turning to look at her. Whether he was lying or not would be impossible to tell. "Thank you, though."

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

She nodded, accepting his word, because the last thing she wanted right now was...

Push.

I am afraid. The realisation startled her. What of? That he'd leave again? That she'd do something wrong and...

That he doesn't feel at home, here. That I might fail him. She frowned at the thoughts, then shook her head at herself.

"Tea then? Something stronger?"

She half turned to start back into the kitchen, then paused and tried to meet his eyes. "Did it help?"

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Just as he was about to answer her question about tea, the last one startled him enough to make him blink.

"...did what help? Being away?"

It wasn't obvious enough, he wanted to ask, but instead he didn't. The mask settled as it normally did, that new one that had managed to take the place of the old one, and his lips tugged into a small smile as they normally would.

"I think so."

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

Nothing about this all was obvious. The smile didn't fit with the flinch. The familiarity of the answer didn't fit with the way he looked, with what he had written, with how long he had been away.
With the lonely cigarettes in the early hours of the morning.

For a moment, Tonks wanted to take him by the collar and shake him and make him tell her what was going on, then it passed. But when she spoke, her voice was a little duller, quieter.

"I hope, for your sake, that you're not just saying that to reassure me. I don't..."

He had reassured her when they had talked about Wilkes... so long ago. And then stuff had happened.

MERLIN, what's the matter with me? He's been surrounded by enough suspicions and edgy people already!

She took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind from the worst of the worry - because that's what it was. Not doubts. Then she opened her eyes, and there was some of her... brand of serenity in them, and a small smile in return. "Be that as it will. I do hope it did some good. So... something to drink?"

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

"No, thank you."

She could take him by the collar and shake him as much as she wanted, but he wouldn't tell her. The only people he had told to so far had been those who had seen Moony at one point or another, and right now the last thing he wanted to talk about was Moony and that night. Thinking all that was enough.

"Do you need...help in anything? Have you eaten?"

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

Well she had seen Moony, one time, if long ago (not that she could ever forget THAT night!), but ... much as she thought that silence would only make the problems fester, right now wasn't the time. And she knew it.

Not knowing made her feel helpless. But honestly to herself, helpless for the moment was better than pushing into something that still hurt that would need even more time mending.

Time. She wanted him to feel better now, but sometimes running after things wasn't the best way to get them. Or even the fastest.
Or even a valid way at all.

"I was just... clearing up the table." Wow, this sounds... domestic! she thought, catching herself motioning towards the kitchen. "Um. You don't need to do anything, if you're tired. Just... relax."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

The difference was that she had seen controlled Moony. The one who had been held back by the potion. The ones he had confided in had seen Moony at its worst, when there had been no trace of Remus Lupin, or his sanity, left behind at all.

Remus shrugged slightly. "I am not really tired. I can help you if you want."

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

By that difference, for her, the actions taken when Remus was in control would matter more than those when he was completely gone. Those latter... she had accepted any possibility regarding them back at the time when she first decided to follow her heart and love him. Because she hadn't known what he had or hadn't done... and she had accepted all the possibilities.
She may not have seen Moony fully in control, but she had seen mornings after werewolves, not on the potion, had attacked, even before she started working for the Order in the first place.
And she had accepted that with her eyes open. And the possibility for it, whether actuality or not, had been admitted into her heart. Years and years and years ago.

Here and now... Tonks smiled very softly. "Now isn't this a change of pace. Usually it's you who's doing the actual work and me offering to help." She tilted her chin up, mock-proudly, and magnanimously... tried to joke, "well then, you may!"

If touch was not fully welcome, and questions definitely fully untimely... maybe she could at least attempt at a few light-hearted smiles. I used to make him smile and laugh all the time...

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

The same small smile from earlier appeared on his lips, and he headed towards the kitchen. It wasn't that she was doing a bad 'job' at making him smile, or laugh. Remus just hadn't managed to do either one of those things in...well, about a month now.

Not that he had noticed, but it wasn't something that was hard to guess for him.

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

No, it wasn't hard to guess it about him. Not when she was finding some excuse to be looking at him at all times. Out of the corner of her eye, or whatever.

When she entered the kitchen, she set off towards the sink first, to check that plate she'd broken earlier. ... she didn't even know if he'd managed to hear that, though she hoped not. Good thing that Godric had probably taken care of any leftovers that MAY have been on the plate at the time.
The distracted 'Reparo' seemed to have worked all right.

She was glad that she's managed to put away most of the leftover food already... she shook her head at herself at that. She wasn't facing a week of weight loss right NOW, which he was. Maybe they'd both be able to eat more, what with the likely kiddies enthusiasm.

"How 'bout I start washing the dishes, and you finish with the table?" What? Giving him space, minimising the chance to trip, and... taking up on the work that had more to be done? Seemed a sensible labour distribution to her.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

He could feel her looking at him. He didn't make it obvious, that he could feel her gaze on him, and he didn't look away but he felt it. His senses were heightened, and had been since the full moon, in a way that they hadn't been before; right now it felt like the hairs on the back of his neck spiked upwards at the sensation of feeling cornered.

But he didn't show it, of course. He just set out to clear the table after giving a small nod.

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

She couldn't help looking at him. Here. It was like the house had been its own kind of empty without him, and him just doing the things he would, the way he always did, carefully, cautiously... no, she couldn't tear her eyes away from him for long.
OK, she was washing dishes. She had to look and concentrate on that now and again. And yet... and yet her gaze just returned to him.

As though if she really looked away, he'd disappear.

That's stupid.

Tonks took a deep breath and tried to calm down yet more. It wasn't quite working, but she tried. She didn't like the... tension that had settled somehow - or maybe it was just in her feeling that way.

Why couldn't she just be glad that he was home? Because glad she was. She just couldn't shake the worry.

In the end she lowered her eyes to stick to her hands and the pot she was washing, and her voice came out with a question that sounded ... weak even in her own ears, making her scrub maybe a bit harder than was necessary.

"How do I help?" Clue me in. Tell me what not do at least...

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Remus didn't have to answer, because a bit of an unexpected visit (http://youngestlupin.livejournal.com/14178.html) took him by surprise. Later on he would be more focused, and he wouldn't let his guard down at any cost so the children wouldn't get to see how he really looked, but for now he looked relieved at the reception he had gotten from their youngest.

Of course, he was the youngest. And, while being very bright, it all depended on what he knew and what he didn't. Maybe, if he knew everything, he really would blame him for leaving and...

Once Harry Al had gone back upstairs, Remus turned to Dora and set a charm around the kitchen so the children wouldn't hear the conversation this seemed to be leading to.

"I don't know," he replied quietly, honestly as he went back to clearing the table. "I don't...think you can."

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

Tonks had watched Harry Al's welcome quietly... it seemed to her right. It touched her heart that it probably helped, judging by just the slightest change in Remus' ... the set of his shoulders? The way his head moved?

He was home. He was loved, and even if she had questions, she... accepted him, no more grudgingly than their youngest did. She sighed softly and turned again to the dishes, her eyes ... bright. With tears.

But her voice was even, calm almost when she spoke. "Right. But neither will know for sure if or how I could help until I know what the matter is. And I certain as anything am not blind enough to fail noticing that I can make things a whole lot worse, blundering without knowing.

"If you tell me that I'll help if I stop asking - I will, at least until I think it doesn't help in reality.

"And whatever it is, I've gone this long without knowing the details, and I can go longer. If you are not ready to talk, or just don't feel like it tonight, or just... need... more space.

"But I chose to be your partner in life, and I chose with my eyes open. And if that matters at all, whatever it is, absolutely anything, my choice will be to know. I know that you'd rather not put me through some things. But I don't think sparing me from them would help at all, in any way. Neither to you, because you'd have to be facing whatever it is on your own, nor to me, seeing you drained and not reaching out and --"

She couldn't finish that one, and finally turned to look at him, leaning against the sink's edge. "You aren't. Alone. No more than you choose to be."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Stop asking, a voice inside him begged. Please stop asking, please stop asking, just stop.

No words came out of his mouth, however. His face didn't show trace that he was going to say it, either.

"I know you would rather know," he finally said after a long moment of silence. "I know that. And I know you are also not the only one that would rather have me reach out, but I cannot. I don't," know how to nor "want to."

Remus paused for a moment and leaned against a chair, watching her. Silent, and his face set.

"I know I am not alone." His voice lowered, and he turned towards the window unconsciously because that urge to leave was still there. He just felt trapped, and cornered. "I know that," he said as he turned back to her. "But..."

Words failed him then, and he just shrugged slightly as he looked down.

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

She just stood for a moment, watching him, things of long-ago replaying in her mind, her eyes growing sadder, softer. "Oh."

Then she quietly crossed the distance between them, reached to place a kiss exactly where Harry Al had, and stepped back away before he needed to react. Returning to her place at the sink, she nodded, accepting what he'd said - and the fact that he hadn't been able to finish.

It was a very rare thing that he was left speechless, and she definitely preferred it wasn't like this.

So she let it go. Her voice was clear and at peace with the words.

"All right."

No conditions. No if-laters. No arguments that it was easy to say she couldn't help if he didn't let her.
None.

Not in her words, nor in her tone, nor in her mind.

[shy-sly-lupin.livejournal.com]

Anna Min thought she heard the crack of apparition, too, all the way from the library where she was curled up in the biggest chair. But she'd thought that a lot in the past month and had taught herself not to trust her ears. She didn't look up from her book -- something by Wodehouse from the Jeeves canon -- but her hand unconsciously moved to touch the tulip set beside her on the seat. Yellow was her favorite but this one was white. A symbolic offering of peace most likely, she thought. She'd shyly asked her mother to charm it so it wouldn't wilt so quickly out of water. It was beginning to look a little rough around the edges anyway but only because she'd been handling it almost constantly.

She heard the crash of a plate and thought that probably meant that Daddy was, indeed, home again and Mum had spotted him. But maybe it was just Mum breaking a plate. It happened a lot. Anna Min's eyes stopped moving on the page, fixing on Aunt Dahlia's name as she listened with a bit more interest. The sound of the front door ... and then voices. One corner of her mouth tugged upward for a moment. She hadn't been hearing things. He was home. He'd said he would be in his note but she hadn't let herself believe it.

Still, Anna Min remained where she was. She didn't want to show too much enthusiasm. Partially because if time away was what Daddy had needed, then that's what she wanted him to have. But mostly because she was hurt and had missed him and was afraid he was just here for a little while before leaving again, maybe for good this time. So instead of jumping up and running full-tilt at her father and launching herself into his arms, Anna Min went back to reading about teetotaler Gussie Fink-Nottle presenting awards while accidentally drunk out of his mind. If he really was staying, Daddy would find her eventually.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

It didn't take long for Remus to make his way to the library. Not because he needed to work, or because he needed a spot where he could get away; he had expected to see the children out and about but, noting their absence, he had decided to go out and look for them himself. And, when it came to his children, the library was usually always a safe bet. If it wasn't being used for reading by one of them, it was used to set fire to curtains in experiments, or something...

The thought made a corner of his lips tug slightly.

Once he reached the door, he knocked softly before peering inside. Upon seeing her, he a small - but sincere - smile appeared on his lips.

"Hello, Anna Min."

[shy-sly-lupin.livejournal.com]

If Anna Min hadn't already read this book a dozen times, she would have no real idea what was going on because she'd been concentrating too hard on listening for footsteps. Eventually she heard them and her toes curled with anticipation. Would he spot the light and know somebody was in here? The knock actually made her jump a little; she'd been hopelessly pessimistic lately, so she hadn't really expected him to stop to talk, even if he realized she was there.

Part of her wanted to let go and indulge in that full-tilt running but the hurt and pessimistic side of her brain reminded her that he still might not really be back. He might just be saying hello before disappearing again for another month or maybe even forever. So Anna Min stayed where she was and smiled back at her father, making an effort (and mostly succeeding) not to look as scared as she was.

"Hi, Daddy."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

The thing was, he could feel the fear. Blame Moony, for being so damn near the surface still. Right now Remus refused to really focus on that, however, because how he felt didn't really matter. It mattered how his children felt. How they were doing.

And, obviously, 'not well' would be a correct assessment.

Lips quirking upwards a bit more, he walked towards her and knelt on the floor in front of her before leaning over to kiss her forehead.

"What are you reading, love?"

[shy-sly-lupin.livejournal.com]

Anna Min's expression twitched slightly at the kiss. She wasn't sure if she wanted to yell at him for going away or cry (for about a million reasons) or what. She was still working hard to stay calm, like everything was perfectly normal now that he was here, though. It took another moment's hesitation but she leaned to rest her head against his shoulder.

"Wodehouse," she answered, closing a finger between the pages so he could look at the cover. A lot of adults didn't understand the humor in Wodehouse, but Anna Min thought it was a riot. She read it when her usual fare, which tended to be depressing and contemplative and deep, got to be too heavy. And sometimes she read it when she was just plain stressed, which happened more often than it ought to because of the amount of time she spent (over)thinking.

"I'm glad you liked your birthday present," Anna Min murmured before her father could make a comment about the mood she had to be in to read Wodehouse.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Truth was, Remus knew well enough that he deserved the yelling. He half expected it, actually, and a part of him wished one of them would do it already. Because he did deserve it. Because they had every right to do it. Because he shouldn't have stayed away for so long.

When he saw the book, he felt the way his heart tightened and unconsciously he kissed the top of her head very gently. In a way to apologize, to tell her things would be all right even if he had no idea if that was the case or not.

"It was lovely," Remus said quietly in return as he wrapped an arm around her to hug her. "You are very talented, you know. The music is perfect."

[shy-sly-lupin.livejournal.com]

'Thank you' would have been the appropriate response. "You were gone for a long time," was what actually came out of her mouth. She leaned into the embrace a little but still didn't return the hug yet. That would be a sign of forgiveness. Everybody in this family was so quick to forgive and usually Anna Min really loved that about them. But this time she didn't think it should be so easy. This time it wasn't breaking a wand or eating a biscuit after being told 'no' or even saying something really hurtful. This time it was essentially abandonment. Anna Min hadn't known what that felt like before and she wished she still didn't.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

"You're right, I was. I didn't mean to stay away for as long as I did. I just..."

What, he had to stay away? He knew his children were brilliant and would probably understand if he told them the whole truth about why he had felt the need to stay away, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"...I made a mistake, and I really am sorry. I'm not... I won't be going away anymore, however."

[shy-sly-lupin.livejournal.com]

Anna Min pulled back enough to study her father's face carefully, searching for any signs that he didn't completely mean his words. There were none, so she nodded slightly and finally set her book aside to wrap her arms around his neck and hug him tightly.

"Promise not to disappear like that again?" she asked, just to be sure. It wasn't the length of time he'd been away that bothered her so much. It was the not knowing where he was or when (or even if) he was going to come back. "Mistakes are okay, as long as you don't keep making the same one over and over. Next time I won't talk to you anymore." That wasn't true at all -- there was nothing she wouldn't eventually forgive him -- and they both knew it, but she wanted it to be true, and that meant just as much.