writers_muses: 26.6. Time.

[worldfromafar]

Just a quick note from the mun: With this post Remus is back to the house (in grownhp6words 'verse), so anyone in the house is welcome to react to this. Same goes with anyone wanting to just drop by even if they aren't at the house, by the way. Different threads are welcome. Also, the icon does not necessarily reflect how he looks when he walks in the house (saying this just in case); it's mostly how he's feeling internally. This can be used in bendy-time so it can be placed before the protest, etc.


Time. That's what Remus had asked for when he had left, hadn't he? Time to sort himself out. Time to figure out what had happened the night of the full moon. Time to go back to being that person that he had been just a month ago.

In all the time he was away, Remus did learn something and he learned it well. Or, rather, he re-learned that lesson because once upon a time he had been an expert at that subject.

Time had nothing to do with anything. Time didn't really fix things. Time allowed to find a way of dealing with situations, but it wasn't necessarily dealing with whatever the problem was. It was just to find a simple solution; or at least the one that seemed as simple. It was easy to find a way to not focus so much on something.

He had been gone almost a month from his family and, even if he had felt guilty the whole time, he knew he had done the right thing. The children didn't need to see him how he had been and, while he still believed that, Anna Min's gift had jolted Remus in a way that nothing else had. It reminded him that, no matter how much he could try to force himself to remember, or how much he could try to focus on something else rather than the guilt and everything else that was eating him alive, time still passed. Time had kept passing, and he was being a horrible father and husband.

In a way now he had something new to focus on. It wasn't that night where it had all gone wrong. It wasn't the fact that he had woken up covered in blood after a transformation. It wasn't that he couldn't remember what had happened. Now he had to focus on his children. On his family. They needed him, and that was what mattered.

Taking one last glimpse into the mirror, Remus could see the time that had passed reflected in his eyes. That was another reason why he avoided mirrors lately - they showed too much. Part of him was worried he'd look up to see the wolf sketched along his figures, and the other part hated to see what was left behind. He hated to see what he hid from everyone with polite smiles, and normal conversations. Behind all that there was just...nothing. A blank. Time had passed, and it reflected in how weary he really looked once he stopped smiling. His hair had more specks of gray than before, and whatever weight he would normally gain before the full moon was nonexistent now.

He was different. Dora didn't know the details from him on why, exactly, he had stayed away from home but things had changed. Drastically. That much he had said, more than once. To her, and to those he confided in.

Things weren't the same.

He wasn't the same.

Like it had been happening lately, however, as soon as he set foot in the house once leaving Hogwarts, the mask was firmly in place without him being fully aware of it. That had been his way of dealing with things once, and it had stuck for the rest of his life. Time had taught him that. Fit the role, play the part, and do things right. That had been some sort of motto throughout various parts of his life, and this wasn't the exception. He would do whatever he had to do to be like the husband, and the father, he was supposed to be.

Comments

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

By that difference, for her, the actions taken when Remus was in control would matter more than those when he was completely gone. Those latter... she had accepted any possibility regarding them back at the time when she first decided to follow her heart and love him. Because she hadn't known what he had or hadn't done... and she had accepted all the possibilities.
She may not have seen Moony fully in control, but she had seen mornings after werewolves, not on the potion, had attacked, even before she started working for the Order in the first place.
And she had accepted that with her eyes open. And the possibility for it, whether actuality or not, had been admitted into her heart. Years and years and years ago.

Here and now... Tonks smiled very softly. "Now isn't this a change of pace. Usually it's you who's doing the actual work and me offering to help." She tilted her chin up, mock-proudly, and magnanimously... tried to joke, "well then, you may!"

If touch was not fully welcome, and questions definitely fully untimely... maybe she could at least attempt at a few light-hearted smiles. I used to make him smile and laugh all the time...

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

The same small smile from earlier appeared on his lips, and he headed towards the kitchen. It wasn't that she was doing a bad 'job' at making him smile, or laugh. Remus just hadn't managed to do either one of those things in...well, about a month now.

Not that he had noticed, but it wasn't something that was hard to guess for him.

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

No, it wasn't hard to guess it about him. Not when she was finding some excuse to be looking at him at all times. Out of the corner of her eye, or whatever.

When she entered the kitchen, she set off towards the sink first, to check that plate she'd broken earlier. ... she didn't even know if he'd managed to hear that, though she hoped not. Good thing that Godric had probably taken care of any leftovers that MAY have been on the plate at the time.
The distracted 'Reparo' seemed to have worked all right.

She was glad that she's managed to put away most of the leftover food already... she shook her head at herself at that. She wasn't facing a week of weight loss right NOW, which he was. Maybe they'd both be able to eat more, what with the likely kiddies enthusiasm.

"How 'bout I start washing the dishes, and you finish with the table?" What? Giving him space, minimising the chance to trip, and... taking up on the work that had more to be done? Seemed a sensible labour distribution to her.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

He could feel her looking at him. He didn't make it obvious, that he could feel her gaze on him, and he didn't look away but he felt it. His senses were heightened, and had been since the full moon, in a way that they hadn't been before; right now it felt like the hairs on the back of his neck spiked upwards at the sensation of feeling cornered.

But he didn't show it, of course. He just set out to clear the table after giving a small nod.

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

She couldn't help looking at him. Here. It was like the house had been its own kind of empty without him, and him just doing the things he would, the way he always did, carefully, cautiously... no, she couldn't tear her eyes away from him for long.
OK, she was washing dishes. She had to look and concentrate on that now and again. And yet... and yet her gaze just returned to him.

As though if she really looked away, he'd disappear.

That's stupid.

Tonks took a deep breath and tried to calm down yet more. It wasn't quite working, but she tried. She didn't like the... tension that had settled somehow - or maybe it was just in her feeling that way.

Why couldn't she just be glad that he was home? Because glad she was. She just couldn't shake the worry.

In the end she lowered her eyes to stick to her hands and the pot she was washing, and her voice came out with a question that sounded ... weak even in her own ears, making her scrub maybe a bit harder than was necessary.

"How do I help?" Clue me in. Tell me what not do at least...

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Remus didn't have to answer, because a bit of an unexpected visit (http://youngestlupin.livejournal.com/14178.html) took him by surprise. Later on he would be more focused, and he wouldn't let his guard down at any cost so the children wouldn't get to see how he really looked, but for now he looked relieved at the reception he had gotten from their youngest.

Of course, he was the youngest. And, while being very bright, it all depended on what he knew and what he didn't. Maybe, if he knew everything, he really would blame him for leaving and...

Once Harry Al had gone back upstairs, Remus turned to Dora and set a charm around the kitchen so the children wouldn't hear the conversation this seemed to be leading to.

"I don't know," he replied quietly, honestly as he went back to clearing the table. "I don't...think you can."

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

Tonks had watched Harry Al's welcome quietly... it seemed to her right. It touched her heart that it probably helped, judging by just the slightest change in Remus' ... the set of his shoulders? The way his head moved?

He was home. He was loved, and even if she had questions, she... accepted him, no more grudgingly than their youngest did. She sighed softly and turned again to the dishes, her eyes ... bright. With tears.

But her voice was even, calm almost when she spoke. "Right. But neither will know for sure if or how I could help until I know what the matter is. And I certain as anything am not blind enough to fail noticing that I can make things a whole lot worse, blundering without knowing.

"If you tell me that I'll help if I stop asking - I will, at least until I think it doesn't help in reality.

"And whatever it is, I've gone this long without knowing the details, and I can go longer. If you are not ready to talk, or just don't feel like it tonight, or just... need... more space.

"But I chose to be your partner in life, and I chose with my eyes open. And if that matters at all, whatever it is, absolutely anything, my choice will be to know. I know that you'd rather not put me through some things. But I don't think sparing me from them would help at all, in any way. Neither to you, because you'd have to be facing whatever it is on your own, nor to me, seeing you drained and not reaching out and --"

She couldn't finish that one, and finally turned to look at him, leaning against the sink's edge. "You aren't. Alone. No more than you choose to be."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Stop asking, a voice inside him begged. Please stop asking, please stop asking, just stop.

No words came out of his mouth, however. His face didn't show trace that he was going to say it, either.

"I know you would rather know," he finally said after a long moment of silence. "I know that. And I know you are also not the only one that would rather have me reach out, but I cannot. I don't," know how to nor "want to."

Remus paused for a moment and leaned against a chair, watching her. Silent, and his face set.

"I know I am not alone." His voice lowered, and he turned towards the window unconsciously because that urge to leave was still there. He just felt trapped, and cornered. "I know that," he said as he turned back to her. "But..."

Words failed him then, and he just shrugged slightly as he looked down.

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

She just stood for a moment, watching him, things of long-ago replaying in her mind, her eyes growing sadder, softer. "Oh."

Then she quietly crossed the distance between them, reached to place a kiss exactly where Harry Al had, and stepped back away before he needed to react. Returning to her place at the sink, she nodded, accepting what he'd said - and the fact that he hadn't been able to finish.

It was a very rare thing that he was left speechless, and she definitely preferred it wasn't like this.

So she let it go. Her voice was clear and at peace with the words.

"All right."

No conditions. No if-laters. No arguments that it was easy to say she couldn't help if he didn't let her.
None.

Not in her words, nor in her tone, nor in her mind.