au_muses: Family. [february]

[worldfromafar]

ooc: Part of the au_muses 'verse. The second task of the Triwizard Tournament is being handled by all five of the muns in this verse (hufflechamp, rockinradishes, sayshisname, bigbadpadfoot, and r_moony) in recaps. Cedric, Harry, Sirius, and Luna are used in this post with their permission.

Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about. -Trey Parker and Matt Stone

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Remus knows well enough the history of the Trizard Tournament. Not only from the stories and tales that usually run among wizards and witches whenever the subject comes up, but because he has read as much as he can about it. Especially now, that Harry is in the tournament; when he had first found out that his nephew would be a participant, he had started researching about it again on his spare time as if it had been the first time he had even heard about it. Perhaps he can't help, exactly, but it doesn't hurt to know what is expected, right? Knowledge is supposed to give some sort of power in certain situations.

None of that knowledge actually helps, though, as he stands with the audience and watches everything unfold. Instead it makes him queasy whenever the death toll of the tournament rings in his head even if he's trying his best to not remember. Why that suddenly springs into his head, he doesn't know. It's a good thing he's good with masks, because when Harry sees him he's able to give him an encouraging smile no matter how many knots his stomach is in. He knows Harry will do well enough in the task, and that he has been taught by both Sirius and himself so he would be fine, but.

But.

But nothing takes away from the fact that it's Harry. He's no longer a baby, or even a child, but in a way he still is to him. No matter how old he gets, he will always want to protect Harry just how he did when he had first laid eyes on him. Remus has been there while he was growing up. He had held him not long after he had been born, he had heard him babble as a baby, had seen him take those wobbly first steps before he had almost raced across the room. Remus hadn't been there with Sirius and Harry while they traveled, but he had been there for holidays. All his time off was spent with them, and they had grown to be a family. Not one where any of them were linked by blood, but Remus had learned years before that, along with the rest of the Marauders, that blood never had to matter.

Now Harry is underwater. Sirius isn't there with him, so Remus doesn't have someone to try and keep calm like last time - which would usually distract him as well. For someone to try and tell him now to not worry would be possibly the worst advice, and that is probably why Dumbledore simply gives him a small and barely visible nod as if to say that he understands. Another mask is put up, and Remus returns the nod even if a voice almost growls in his head that no, he doesn't understand.

Irrational? Yes, but worry rarely made anyone rational.

While everything happens under water Remus just paces. There's no point staring at the water the first half hour because his mind simply plays scenarios that he really doesn't want to have lingering in his head.

As soon as Cedric surfaces with Luna it feels as if he's able to actually breathe again for the first time. He busies himself with making sure that they are all right while he glances at the water every now and then. Then Krum makes his way out, and Remus' anxiety is only being contained because what good would it do for Cedric and Luna to see him nervous? So instead he just looks calm, and reassures them that everything will be fine while forcing himself to believe it as well.

The second he sees Harry and Sirius break through the surface Remus just gets everything ready. Blankets, towels, making sure the hot chocolate is ready, and there's suddenly so much energy pent up in him that he has no idea how he manages to not make everyone dizzy or at least annoyed. The sight of Harry starting to sink again, though, is enough for that energy to make him want to dive in after him but Harry just starts swimming again so Remus just waits before making sure they're safe, unharmed, and warming up. His brow furrows as he takes in the look on Harry's face, that daze that looks so out of place, but he just tells himself that it's probably normal. He's probably exhausted. He'll make sure to make a request for the house elves to prepare his favourite meal.

The results are suddenly announced, and Remus smiles at both Cedric and Harry, extremely proud of them and so relieved it's over. One more task to go, and--

"How could you? How could you let them use either of you? Do you have any bloody idea what it was like to think you both were dead? How could you risk whatever they did to put you out not working? There were creatures down there that could have hurt you!"

His eyes travel over to Sirius at once, looking almost as shocked as Sirius does, before turning back to Harry, brow furrowing again. Not in disapproval, or angry, just... Well, shocked. Worried.

"Harry..."

"DON'T. Don't you dare tell me to calm down. How could you? Don't you know losing you is my greatest fear? They're using all of you against me, and you're letting them. Enough. Do not do this again. I can't even look at the lot of you."

The silence that follows seems to make Harry's steps echo as he goes, and Remus just sighs quietly under his breath as he hears Sirius do the same. Turning to him he offers him a faint trace of a smile, his way of telling him Harry would calm down, and gives a small nod towards the castle to tell him they should probably head back.

As soon as Sirius gets in the shower, Remus stands by his desk for just a minute before rushing out of the room once more. In the kitchens he gathers some food to take back for Sirius, before asking a house elf to take some food for Harry as well. He would do it himself, but he isn't sure just how much space Harry wants at the moment.

Nonetheless, along with the food, the house elf is instructed to leave a note as well, telling Harry they were there once he needed someone to talk to.

Making his way back to his quarters, carrying the food for Sirius, Remus just lets out a long deep breath. Somehow it feels as if he has been holding it in for weeks now, but he knows it's not all out yet. There's still another task left. There's the they Harry keeps referring to deal with. He's going to keep holding that breath until he's sure that his family is as safe as they can be.

He just hopes it's soon before they all suffocate, because he's almost certain they are all doing the same.


word count: 1,170

Comments

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

It's the next day before Harry unlocks his bedroom door and comes out for food. As angry and sullen as he was the night before, there is a complete change in behavior today. It's a Sunday which means he doesn't have class. His dad most likely stayed with Remus in the apartment across the hall since Harry had given a loud and clear message of leave me alone.

He rummages around for breakfast because he isn't in the mood to deal with groups of people down in the Great Hall. He decides on cereal, something sugary sweet that wouldn't normally be served, but that his dad keeps in the apartment because Harry is a teenage boy and loves sugary carbs. It's Cookie Crisp. The cereal he got addicted to when he was little and living in the states. There always seems to be a box in the apartment.

This makes him think about the things he said the day before and he feels a bit ashamed. He has never spoken to his dad and uncle that way before. He never spoke to Luna that way either. Cedric, unfortunately, had been on the opposite end of Harry's volatile temper lately. He wishes to apologize, but he finds he's still a bit angry when he thinks about the two of them below the water.

The note on the table is from Remus, and out of everyone who witnessed his tantrum the night before he seems like the safest bet to talk with. He sends an owl back with a note that says, "Could we talk alone?"

He hopes it won't upset his dad. He really doesn't want to hurt him anymore than he wishes to hurt Luna and Cedric, but Harry finds the thought of facing more than one of them at a time a bit...imposing.

Once the owl is sent, he makes his big bowl of cookie crisp and curls up on the couch. It's the way he spent many weekend mornings when he was a child, and after his explosion the day before he finds he feels a bit like a kid more than the man of seventeen he is supposed to be.

The cereal is comforting.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

As soon as Remus reads the owl, the only hesitation that keeps him from moving towards the door at once is that he wonders if Sirius will be upset for him talking to Harry first. But maybe if he speaks with Harry he will be able to calm him down in case he's still upset at Sirius...

Going with that thought, Remus leaves a note for Sirius on the table saying he will be back soon before leaving his quarters to cross the hall.

With a couple of knocks on the door, and a small pause, he opens the door and lets himself in the apartment. Upon seeing him on the couch, Remus' lips tug very slightly but he doesn't move closer just yet. "Good morning."

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"Morning," he says, after he swallows the bite of cereal. The box is still on the table if Remus decides to indulge in sugary sweet carbs with milk. The change in Harry this morning from last night is a bit drastic. He actually manages a smile that doesn't look fake.

His mood swings have been off the charts lately, but perhaps Cedric was right about the journal. Maybe it was influencing his moods. Or maybe he just becomes calm after a night of sulking and a morning of cereal.

"There's half a box if you're hungry." He doesn't move from the couch, but his half-way chipper attitude invites Remus to come in further if he would like too.

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

The only reason he doesn't stand and stare at Harry in surprise at the sudden change is that he turns to look at the box of cereal as if he's contemplating on whether or not he's hungry. He definitely is surprised, though, no matter how much it may look otherwise. How can he not be?

"Thank you," he says as he turns back to him, still smiling. "I am not terribly hungry at the moment. Perhaps later."

It's not a lie. He's just not hungry yet, no matter how much he also likes sugary sweet carbs in the morning. Walking over to the couch, he sits close to him but still with enough distance to not make him feel crowded.

"You know, I was thinking... We should all have dinner together. Cedric and Luna as well, of course. To celebrate the victory and all, I mean."

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

Harry continues to eat the cereal as if someone is going to snatch the bowl away if he doesn't finish it all. There are a couple of back up boxes just in case he regresses back to being six and eating it for three meals day. Man, did he bounce around a lot during that month.

"It was quite the victory was it not? I managed to tie Cedric simply because I panicked when I saw Dad and Luna lifeless in the water, and then stuck around to free the little girl because I stupidly assumed something dangerous could happen at the bottom of the lake." Ah there is that biting anger from last night. He shrugs and takes another bite of his cereal as if he just discussed something as mundane as the weather.

"Cedric deserves a celebration though. I agree. He kept his head down there. But then he is the true Hogwarts champion after all. I'm just the bait." He set the now empty bowl on the table, contemplating if he wished for more or not.

"I shouldn't have made a public scene last night. Sorry about that. Lack of oxygen to the head I suppose."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Remus watches Harry carefully and takes in every word. That angry tone, that simple shrug. Something clenches as his concern heightens, but he remains calm. His expression doesn't change, his brow doesn't furrow; first he's planning on listening and trying to find out what he can.

Quietly, "There is nothing wrong with panicking. Cedric saw Luna under water, but you saw both Sirius and Luna there. It's... There is nothing to be ashamed of, Harry."

His brow furrows then, but just barely. "And you are not the bait. Bias aside, and that desire to keep you safe aside, you are strong enough and your magic is strong enough to be a part of this competition. The tasks are just...not meant to be easy. But you got to them, and you got them out."

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"Fair enough, I'm not bait. All of you are bait then. I can't wait for the next task. Perhaps Dumbledore will convince the lot of you to walk into the forest with open wounds and vampires running amok. That will be fascinating will it not?"

Right, so he was more angry than he realized. For a brief moment this morning, before Remus showed up, he'd thought he was over that. That he was almost ashamed for what he had said, but now the anger was burning beneath his skin again.

"I understand Luna doing it. I do. She could trust Cedric to save her. He wouldn't panic. Cedric isn't the idiot who runs out of the castle at night and gets attacked. He's not the one with the blasted scar that might as well be a target painted on his head!"

Harry stands up and begins to pace. The anger is wrapping itself around him like a cozy blanket. He's not sure he can let it go.

"How could he do that to me, Uncle Remus? Why would he risk himself?! I can not lose him or you. Cedric can only focus on so much. I..."

The anger subsided as he looked at him and said quietly, "I'm not ready. It's as if he knows me, and he can predict what I will do. He can lead me to do exactly what he wishes, and I am not ready to face him again. I'm so bloody tired, yet I feel as if I'm crawling out of my skin." He slumped back down on the couch and looked at his uncle. "I'm so bloody angry. All of the time. Just so bloody angry."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

While Harry paced Remus didn't move again. He just let him pace and vent, because it was obvious that he needed it.

The second he looked at him, though, Remus just stayed seated because he wanted to listen to everything without interrupting him. Once Harry sat back down, Remus moved over to sit next to him as well.

"Harry, Sirius didn't risk himself to hurt you. You will have to ask him directly to get a straight answer from him, but from what I can tell you I can assure you that he did not agree to do what he did to hurt you, or make you panic. He did it because he trusts you, just how Luna trusts Cedric." He placed a hand on Harry's shoulder and gave a small squeeze, almost as his way of keeping him there looking at him while he spoke, so he could see he wasn't lying to simply appease him.

"What you did that one night, yes it was foolish. But... Well. To be honest, James didn't take being kept in one place easily either. I cannot say I truly expected you to as well. You were restless, and you panicked yesterday, but none of that means that you are an idiot. You are human, Harry, and like everyone else you made mistakes, but you've set them right. And you got Sirius out, just how he trusted you to."

He sighed quietly under his breath, unsure how to really phrase what he was going to say. "Are you...angry because how it's as if he knows you, and can predict what you will do?"

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"I know he didn't do it to hurt me. Dad would never do anything to hurt me. But I panicked, and I thought he would die. What if the next time he's put in danger I panic and he does die? It will be all my fault because I'm hiding in this blasted castle instead of facing him. But he never comes for me. He sends others. Why doesn't he just finish it?"

It's not that he wants to die. He's just so tired, and he feels so vulnerable. It's as if he can't stop himself from doing exactly what Voldemort wants him to do. And now he has the tournament stressing him out as well.

Then he feels that squeeze on his shoulder and he pales. His body tenses as he remembers the quidditch pitch and Fenrir. But this is not Fenrir. This is his uncle who would never hurt him.

His mind knows this, but his body doesn't seem to be convinced. It takes him a moment to force himself to breathe. Another to relax enough to process what he's been asked.

"I'm angry at everyone and everything at times, but mostly I'm angry with myself. They believe I'm special because of this scar. I believed I was special because I trusted my talents. Now, I'm not sure what I trust in. He keeps besting me, and it's just like he said in my dreams. He wants me to lose everything. I think he wants that more than anything."

In that moment his scar began to burn, his hand shot up to it, as he held on to it while struggling to catch his breath. He swears, for a moment, he hears laughter. High pitched laughter. Then it fades and he looks at his uncle and asks, "What is wrong with me?"

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

The words of encouragement die in his throat as soon as he senses Harry tensing up. He doesn't need to see how pale he suddenly gets, because people would be surprised at the sort of things Remus can sense when he's caught off guard and Moony catches whiff of something. He had expected anger, sure, but not this reaction. Not that panic that seems to fill Harry and freezes him on the spot.

As Harry begins to speak again, Remus removes his hand from his shoulder and stands to pace. He feels a little dizzy as he does so, and his mouth feels so dry as his mind keeps reeling, but he forces himself to focus on Harry's words for now.

That is, until he sees how his hand shot up and quickly Remus moves next to him again as he frowns in concern. Merlin, how he wishes he knew what was wrong to help him with this. "I don't... What happened?"

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"It burned. My scar burned." He sounds a bit off as if trying to figure out why it would have suddenly hurt. Standing up slowly, he makes his way into the bathroom and looks at his forehead in the mirror. It's not red. There is no sign that anything is wrong with it. But he catches his eyes in the mirror and for a moment they don't look their usual emerald green; they're darker somehow.

It's a trick of the light, he tells himself. It's just a trick of the light. Sure enough when he looks in the mirror again it's the same green eyes looking back at him as always. His mother's eyes.

When he walks back into the room, he sits on the couch and reaches for the blanket on the back of it, tossing it over him. He's not really cold, but he feels off.

"It burned." I hear laughing, he thinks, but he can't admit that. Remus will think he's gone stark raving mad. "Maybe I'm just tired. It was a long day yesterday, yeah? Maybe I just need to take it easy today."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

No matter how much he racks his brain, there's no reason good enough for Harry's scar burning. He'll do research while Sirius tries talking to Harry, maybe there's something. Hopefully there's something, somewhere, because he hates this helplessness that's settling in.

Remus catches himself just as he's about to reach over to brush his hair back so he can check on his scar as well. It feels so odd to not offer at least another squeeze of the shoulder, or ruffling his hair, but Harry's reaction from earlier replays in his head.

Instead of doing any of those things, he just gives a small nod and stands. "Yes, maybe. If it gets worse, we can take you to the infirmary. Maybe Poppy will know something." A beat. "Would you like me to bring you more cereal? ...anything?"

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"May I ask you a very personal question?" Harry asks, deciding there is something he must know. If his uncle doesn't wish to talk about it he won't push, but it occurs to him that Remus is the one person who can answer some of the questions he has been obsessing about. "I'll understand if you decline answering it after I ask of course."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

He doesn't even hesitate. "Yes, of course. You can ask me anything."

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

Harry is hesitant at first. He's never really inquired about the night that Remus was attacked. He knew that Remus and Sirius worked very hard to keep Harry sheltered from that as much as possible.

"Before Greyback bit you, did he ever toy with you first?"

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Since part of him is still focused on that particular reaction from earlier, he doesn't look as surprised as he normally would have been.

He can't deny he is taken aback by it, however. Of all the things he could have expected Harry to ask, this is definitely not one of them.

Taking a seat on a couch across from Harry, Remus just leans his elbows on his knees and looks down at the floor briefly to gather his thoughts.

"He chased me. I don't know if that is the toying you are referring to. He kept...snarling and growling while doing so, knowing it was... Well, that it was causing the reaction that he wanted." A small wry smile tugs at his lips, and he adds quietly as he leans against the couch. "He needed me to be terrified, I suppose, before he could...do what he did."

It's terrifying just how vulnerable talking about that night makes him, even if it is to Harry, but he doesn't show it at all. Instead he just looks at him a bit curiously. "May I ask what brought this up?"

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"It was the one night then? He never approached you before that?" Harry is quiet as he processes that. He does reach out for his uncle's knee and squeezes it briefly because he knows that it can't be easy to discuss that night.

The image of his uncle being chased as a child much younger than Harry makes his stomach turn. He's nothing at all like Remus. Remus would never terrorize a child just for the thrill of it. Never. Which makes him relax a bit.

"When someone is frightened does it make them easier to track at a later date? If you catch the scent of someone, does it stick with you?" He gives him an apologetic look and another squeeze on his knee. "I'm sorry that I'm asking, I'm just curious as to what he is like. If he let someone go without biting them do you think that means he wishes to track them again or that he only wished to put fear into them?"

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

"He never approached me before that night, no. He must have known quite a bit about my parents and I, since it was done as some sort of revenge against my father, but he just approached me that one night."

The squeeze of the knee brings a small smile out of him, and he does relax a little. Up until the point that Harry asks those last few questions, because they are just so...random to him.

This part is a little harder since he has never quite admitted this outloud, so he takes a bit longer to answer. "It... In a way it does stick with you. Scents are very easy to pick out, especially around the full moon. At a close distance it would be easy to recognize it almost immediately."

Another pause, and Remus is up and pacing again while he thinks. Only for a moment, though, because he turns to look at Harry almost at once. Why? is etched so clearly in his features, but instead he just answers, "I won't pretend as if I know what Fenrir would do, because I truly have no idea. But my guess is that if he let someone go without biting them, he was simply toying with them. If Fenrir wants to attack, he does. If he wants to bite, terrorize and destroy, he does. Unless my memory's wrong, I don't think I have heard of him simply taunting and letting someone go without biting them."

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"Unless he was ordered to let someone go?" Harry asks quietly, because he sees the why etched on Remus's face. His mind is also working in overdrive. Able to pick the scent out, especially around a full moon. What if he was supposed to get a clear scent, have it embedded into his memory, so that when Voldemort wished to find Harry easily he could use Fenrir to do so?

"And if he were to spend a significant amount of time around someone, an hour or so, up close, memorizing their scent, then perhaps he would not need the full moon to track them easily should he be instructed to do so?"

His voice sounded so hollow as the theory took hold in his head. Had this been why he managed to keep escaping? Voldemort was using his followers to torment and toy with him, but also to gain information for him.

"Uncle Remus, I need a favor from you, and I need you not to tell Dad about it. Can you do that for me?" The look he gives his uncle is one he learned at Siri's knee. Pleading puppy eyes with Lily Evan's exact shade of green. "I need you to put a trace on me of sorts. Some sort of charm that will alert you any time I am outside the castle walls. Can you do that and keep it between us?"

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Earlier he had made a point to not stare while he had been watching and studying Harry. Now that thought doesn't even come close to registering, because as Harry's talking something in him clenches. The worst case scenarios keep replaying in his head, now with Fenrir involved, and it feels as if he has lost his voice then.

No. Not Harry. It couldn't be. He was just too worried, right? Yes, that was it. He was exaggerating, like he had been during the tournament. Just too worried to think straight.

...right.

The sight of those puppy eyes makes his shoulders slump a little, and he pinches the bridge of his nose even if he hasn't heard the question. After all these years, that's probably answer enough for Harry that yes, he will probably end up doing whatever it is he wants him to do. But the mention of the charm makes him turn to him again, and he nods after a pause as his fingers toy with the ring he's wearing on his left hand. He doesn't like it at all that they are keeping Sirius out of the loop, but...hopefully he would understand.

Merlin, he hopes he will understand.

"...yes, I will get started on it as soon as Sirius comes back here." He gives him a look, as if saying that for that Harry will need to speak with Sirius and actually clear things up. He would say it, but he has a feeling Harry knows what he means by that look. "Meanwhile, please don't leave the castle until I am finished. I will let you know once I am."

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

"I'm not feeling very well. I'm going to stay in the apartment today. Resting and over-indulging on cereal is the best way to recover from yesterday, yeah? I have some books I've been meaning to read anyway."

He feels a bit better even though something inside him, a little nagging voice, is whispering that he doesn't need this charm put on him. That he's giving up his freedom. He's placing a leash on himself.

But his mind is working in overdrive. The attacks from Carrow and especially Fenrir have left him shaken. The journal is safely in Cedric's trunk now, and with this spell he will have insurance that should he be lured out again it will be Remus who catches up with him and bring him back. That is the safest solution in all the possible scenarios that Harry's mind has come up with.

"I'll talk to Dad and settle things. I promise. Thank you...for the talk, and for keeping it between us. I know you don't wish to keep secrets from him, but we both wish to keep him safe. I want to keep all of us safe. It's time I be a bit smarter about things."

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

"All right. I will work on the charm, then."

Smiling slightly again, Remus just gives another small nod. Harry's right, they want to keep Sirius safe. And Remus wants to keep both Harry and Sirius safe as well, so...

"You're welcome. We will make this work, I'm sure." He sighs under his breath. "I will head back now, before he catches us talking about this. If you need anything, let me know. I hope you feel better soon."

Another small smile, and Remus heads towards the door without the squeeze to his shoulder he would usually give him. Now that Harry has asked so much about Fenrir, and his own theories have been forming in his head, he isn't sure just how close he should be. Which he doesn't hold against him, of course. He's just trying to distract himself as he walks so that Sirius won't notice that something's wrong with him.