Haunting Memories.
Sep. 24th, 2007 03:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
worldfromafarWarning: Somewhat(?) disturbing imagery ahead.
He can't fight it off. He can't stop it.
He can't fight off that sense of panic as he runs. He can't stop the way his stomach churns and twists, the way his mind seems to stop working as he runs as quickly as he can. The cold night air seems to steal away whatever air he manages to breathe in, freezing it in his lungs and suddenly making it so hard to keep running.
But he has to. He has to keep running, as fast as he can.
Then again, how fast can a six-almost-seven year old run?
He can hear him breathing behind him. He can hear the panting, the growling, the taunting and it takes all he has to not start crying. 'Leave me alone,' he wants to yell out. 'Leave me alone!!'
The words get caught in his throat, however, and suddenly he's on the ground as claws dig themselves deep into his skin. It is then that he remembers his mother, warning him about going off into the forest by himself when it was dark. He remembers his father's tales, about the dangers that lurked around even if he couldn't see them.
But he had been too curious. He had always been too curious.
More panting. More growling. More snarling, and now it's so close. Merlin, it's so close and Remus flinches as he tries to move away but the hot breath is so close to his ear that it's hard to move away. It's hard to ignore it, the way it lodges itself deep in his memory at once.
And suddenly it happens. There's a pain so strong, so blinding that suddenly takes over that Remus no longer knows what's real and what's not. He can feel each bit of skin as it tears, he can feel the helplessness as he tries to fight off the werewolf that is attacking him, but at the same time he can't feel anything. He doesn't feel the hot tears that are rolling down his cheeks, or the few screams he allows himself to yell out before the pain doesn't let him anymore.
'Leave me alone. Leave me alone...'
Instead of saying anything his eyes just clench shut. There are other voices now, there are some screams that are no longer his own, but Remus doesn't open his eyes even when he feels the weight of the werewolf off of his body. He doesn't move once he no longer feels those claws and those fangs in his skin, or even when there's a desperate but gentle touch over his face.
'Leave me alone...'
When he opens his eyes he's no longer by where he grew up; now he's in the Shrieking Shack. His whole body is aching, his head is throbbing, and a quick glance out the window allows him to see that he just has seconds before the transformation.
And no matter what he does he can't fight it. He can't stop it.
The sound of snarling, of panting and growling is suddenly the only thing he can hear as pain burns him from the inside, but now it doesn't belong to Greyback. It belongs to himself. It belongs to the wolf he becomes - that beast that is desperate to look for food.
But there's no food. There's no way out, and the beast paces. It snarls. It growls, and it howls before the frustration gets to be too much and he starts biting and scratching himself. It hurts, and he howls even louder as he digs his own claws deeper and deeper into his skin, but it doesn't matter. It's the next best thing.
He can't fight it. He cannot stop it.
Suddenly there's another shift, and he's no longer in the shack. He's not back home, either. Now he's in the forest, and he's running again. But now he's no longer a child, nor is he a man; he is the wolf.
And he's not being chased because he's the one doing the chase. He's the one that's hunting.
Suddenly he sees them. He sees Greyback, transformed as well, and he's towering over a boy on the ground. He's snarling in his ear, terrifying the boy, but before he can stop it Fenrir delivers the bite. It freezes Remus for half a second before fury replaces helplessness, and he lunges towards him, and--
His eyes flutter open suddenly, but that's the only movement he makes at first. The room is so still that, as he starts to become aware of what's surrounding him, he begins to wonder whether Tonks can hear how loudly and how wildly his heart is thumping in his chest. His breathing is ragged, so out of order, but he doesn't notice. Or maybe he just doesn't care, because all his body seems to be able to do at the moment is stare up at the ceiling above him.
'It wasn't real,' he tries to say to himself but the message doesn't get across. It barely even registers because the dream had been so vivid; he can still feel the way his skin was mangled, and he can feel the pain, and the blood...
It is then that he finally sits up, coughing in disgust as he can still taste it, but he's somehow able to keep his stomach somewhat settled as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and tries to calm himself down. He's so worn out, however, that he can barely sit up straight for long and before he knows it his elbows need to lean against his knees for support.
He didn't want those dreams. He didn't want those memories, of when he had gotten bitten.
But he couldn't fight them off. He couldn't stop them.
Resting his forehead on his hands, Remus suddenly realizes that he's covered in a cold sweat and he just sighs as he closes his eyes. Here was his big nightmare of the month, he thinks wryly; at least it didn't disappoint.
And at least he hadn't killed anyone in it this time.
He can't fight it off. He can't stop it.
He can't fight off that sense of panic as he runs. He can't stop the way his stomach churns and twists, the way his mind seems to stop working as he runs as quickly as he can. The cold night air seems to steal away whatever air he manages to breathe in, freezing it in his lungs and suddenly making it so hard to keep running.
But he has to. He has to keep running, as fast as he can.
Then again, how fast can a six-almost-seven year old run?
He can hear him breathing behind him. He can hear the panting, the growling, the taunting and it takes all he has to not start crying. 'Leave me alone,' he wants to yell out. 'Leave me alone!!'
The words get caught in his throat, however, and suddenly he's on the ground as claws dig themselves deep into his skin. It is then that he remembers his mother, warning him about going off into the forest by himself when it was dark. He remembers his father's tales, about the dangers that lurked around even if he couldn't see them.
But he had been too curious. He had always been too curious.
More panting. More growling. More snarling, and now it's so close. Merlin, it's so close and Remus flinches as he tries to move away but the hot breath is so close to his ear that it's hard to move away. It's hard to ignore it, the way it lodges itself deep in his memory at once.
And suddenly it happens. There's a pain so strong, so blinding that suddenly takes over that Remus no longer knows what's real and what's not. He can feel each bit of skin as it tears, he can feel the helplessness as he tries to fight off the werewolf that is attacking him, but at the same time he can't feel anything. He doesn't feel the hot tears that are rolling down his cheeks, or the few screams he allows himself to yell out before the pain doesn't let him anymore.
'Leave me alone. Leave me alone...'
Instead of saying anything his eyes just clench shut. There are other voices now, there are some screams that are no longer his own, but Remus doesn't open his eyes even when he feels the weight of the werewolf off of his body. He doesn't move once he no longer feels those claws and those fangs in his skin, or even when there's a desperate but gentle touch over his face.
'Leave me alone...'
When he opens his eyes he's no longer by where he grew up; now he's in the Shrieking Shack. His whole body is aching, his head is throbbing, and a quick glance out the window allows him to see that he just has seconds before the transformation.
And no matter what he does he can't fight it. He can't stop it.
The sound of snarling, of panting and growling is suddenly the only thing he can hear as pain burns him from the inside, but now it doesn't belong to Greyback. It belongs to himself. It belongs to the wolf he becomes - that beast that is desperate to look for food.
But there's no food. There's no way out, and the beast paces. It snarls. It growls, and it howls before the frustration gets to be too much and he starts biting and scratching himself. It hurts, and he howls even louder as he digs his own claws deeper and deeper into his skin, but it doesn't matter. It's the next best thing.
He can't fight it. He cannot stop it.
Suddenly there's another shift, and he's no longer in the shack. He's not back home, either. Now he's in the forest, and he's running again. But now he's no longer a child, nor is he a man; he is the wolf.
And he's not being chased because he's the one doing the chase. He's the one that's hunting.
Suddenly he sees them. He sees Greyback, transformed as well, and he's towering over a boy on the ground. He's snarling in his ear, terrifying the boy, but before he can stop it Fenrir delivers the bite. It freezes Remus for half a second before fury replaces helplessness, and he lunges towards him, and--
His eyes flutter open suddenly, but that's the only movement he makes at first. The room is so still that, as he starts to become aware of what's surrounding him, he begins to wonder whether Tonks can hear how loudly and how wildly his heart is thumping in his chest. His breathing is ragged, so out of order, but he doesn't notice. Or maybe he just doesn't care, because all his body seems to be able to do at the moment is stare up at the ceiling above him.
'It wasn't real,' he tries to say to himself but the message doesn't get across. It barely even registers because the dream had been so vivid; he can still feel the way his skin was mangled, and he can feel the pain, and the blood...
It is then that he finally sits up, coughing in disgust as he can still taste it, but he's somehow able to keep his stomach somewhat settled as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and tries to calm himself down. He's so worn out, however, that he can barely sit up straight for long and before he knows it his elbows need to lean against his knees for support.
He didn't want those dreams. He didn't want those memories, of when he had gotten bitten.
But he couldn't fight them off. He couldn't stop them.
Resting his forehead on his hands, Remus suddenly realizes that he's covered in a cold sweat and he just sighs as he closes his eyes. Here was his big nightmare of the month, he thinks wryly; at least it didn't disappoint.
And at least he hadn't killed anyone in it this time.
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 03:16 pm (UTC)As she slowly focused on her surroundings (oh right. Hogwarts.) she saw his slumped figure outlined against the lighter form of the window. She'd have thought, 'not as bad as last month', but just the set of his shoulders, or lack of it, told her that it might not be the case. She blinked at the dark shadow of his hunched back for a moment, then softly rose up and wiggled nearer. She bent her face towards him and placed a kiss just to the right of his spine. Her hair probably brushed his skin before her lips, but oh well...
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 04:10 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry," he mumbled quietly as he stared down at the floor. "I didn't mean to wake you."
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 04:19 pm (UTC)"Another dream?" Since 'are you all right' didn't seem appropriate, or 'what happened'. She kept her voice soft. Soothing.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 05:19 pm (UTC)"Yes, it was...another dream." Or three, but who was counting. Swallowing the lump in his throat - or trying to, at least - he took a slow, deep breath. "It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I suppose."
Nonetheless, his voice was too soft for it to be considered normal and even to his own ears it sounded somewhat hollow. He would be fine in a few minutes, most likely, but for now he couldn't fake to be all right just yet.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 07:31 pm (UTC)Tonks didn't want him to pretend. Not for her. She knew he would try to anyway, but she thought it was a wasted effort that he could just save.
"Can I get you something? A glass of water?" She wouldn't move till her told her though.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 01:05 am (UTC)At the question he just shook his head at first, very slowly as his stomach churned and clenched once more.
"No, not yet. Thank you, I just-- I can't." He passed a still somewhat shaky hand along his face before raking his hair back with his fingers as best as he could.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 04:39 am (UTC)She accepted the wolf, and everything it was, it had been part of Remus since before she knew him - since before she was born - but what it did to his mind! It was torturous for him, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Nor could she just... wave her wand and made the effects on him disappear. There were things that even magic couldn't do.
So she offered only what she had to offer. Presence. Closeness. Company. Support. Love. Warmth.
They didn't make the bad things disappear. But she thought they might help him stand up against them, even if a little.
"I'm here. Whenever you are ready."
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 10:39 am (UTC)"Thank you," he suddenly said, quietly.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 12:03 pm (UTC)So his voice almost startled her, but not quite.
She turned her face to kiss his back again, then softly laid her chin against his back. "It's OK, love." Crash and burn, you're not alone... the words of a far-away song swam up in her mind. Neither of us is alone. That's what matters.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 12:14 pm (UTC)"We should probably try to get some sleep, Dora." 'Try' being the keyword in his case, but it wasn't fair for her to be kept up by his nightmare. "We can still do so for a couple of more hours."
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 12:25 pm (UTC)"Right you are. We can and we should." Both of them. Because, unlike last month, this time he had classes the next day.
"Sure you don't want me to get you water or something else?"
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 12:57 pm (UTC)"No, I'm fine, thank you." Turning to her, he kissed her forehead. "I'm just...really tired right now."
That was the most honest thing he could say right now, and it was probably too obvious by his appearance and even his voice. He was exhausted.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 04:53 pm (UTC)"Let's try to sleep off a bit of that tiredness."
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 06:04 pm (UTC)"I love you," he murmured as he closed his eyes. Even if he was almost sure he wouldn't be able to sleep - it was always hard to do so after a nightmare - he really was going to make at least an effort.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-25 07:13 pm (UTC)