writers_muses: 3.7. Name your first love and why it didn't work

[worldfromafar]

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?

The feel of stubble rubbing slowly against his forehead caused Remus to slowly wake up. In seconds he could feel Sirius starting to stir from under him, and his lips very slowly tugged into a small, soft smile as he felt an arm looping around his waist. He could hear his heartbeat beating steadily and strongly under his ear, since he had managed to fall asleep with his head on his chest at some point during the night even if he couldn't recall when.

Now that morning had come Remus didn't want to move. He could feel the warmth of the sun on them, but he refused to open his eyes just yet. He wanted to savor this as much as he possibly could.

My breath is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.

"You left the curtains open again," he suddenly heard Sirius mumble, breathing into his hair as he held him slightly closer.

Without opening his eyes, Remus knew Sirius was refusing to wake up as much as he was. If they opened their eyes they would have to go back to reality, and he didn't want to face what was beyond their bedroom door. He was tired. He was still so tired, and he just wanted to sleep. He just wanted to feel him closer.

Stirring slowly, lazily and still with his eyes closed, Remus moved as close to him as he could. "It was your turn last night."

"You should have reminded me. I was...pleasantly distracted."

"Mm, so was I if I remember correctly." His smile widened slightly, since he didn't have to open his eyes to see Sirius' smirk. He could hear it so clearly in his voice, lingering along with that groggy tone that wouldn't leave his voice. Hearing it just made him want to stay there even longer, and he finally confessed quietly as he breathed in his scent, "I don't want to move."

"Then let's not." A beat, and then that smirk that Remus had heard earlier only seemed to grow as he added playfully, "Although, I might just push you up so you can go close those bloody curtains..."

So we talked about moms and dads
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening to me

No matter how much Remus wanted to stop his thoughts as he tried to take in everything - every feeling, every scent, every single one of his touches - the thoughts of what was beyond that bedroom door kept looming close. There was a war beyond that door. A war they were both fighting in and could easily get lost in at any particular moment.

"Moony, it's too early to be thinking so hard." Remus finally opened his eyes then, mostly in surprise and frowned slightly up at him. Sirius was already looking back at him although his eyes were still half closed and, when he noticed that look of surprise, a smile crossed his lips. "You have that...look on your face," Sirius explained, brushing his finger over Remus' brow.

"Oh." At the touch he finally felt how his brow had been furrowed, and the creases disappeared slowly as Sirius' fingers moved so they could brush his hair back. Instead of saying anything, or telling him why he had been concentrating so much, Remus simply watched him. He knew he didn't have to tell him what he had been thinking about because, as much as he tried to keep things to himself at times, Sirius knew him better than anyone else did. For years that had been the case. There were things that Remus still kept buried very deep inside him, but Sirius knew. He knew when to ask. How to ask.

Even if Remus figured he could keep himself hidden, the truth was that he couldn't. Not completely, because he had 'surrendered' himself to him so many years ago. He had given him his heart and soul, and twelve years apart hadn't done a thing to change that. Because, as much as his mind sometimes told him that he needed to let him go, deep down he just couldn't. He wouldn't.

He never would.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony.
We're both flying away

They were so comfortable. Merlin, he was so warm and comfortable, and slipping out of bed to something cold and harsh just didn't seem right.

This was right. Being there, with him.

As his lips quirked slightly higher, Remus reached for Sirius' disheveled hair so he could pass his fingers through it. His fingers trailed downwards, tracing over his cheeks and feeling the morning stubble underneath his fingertips until they touched his lips. Those lips where he had gotten lost in last night. Those lips that had left kisses that he could still feel burning all along his skin.

Propping himself slightly with his elbow, he reached for him and kissed him. Slowly, in no rush because rushing would mean facing reality again.

Reality...

No.

Moving even closer, he reached to run his fingers through his hair once more and so he could bring him closer. "I love you," he murmured, not wanting to break this moment. This moment that was theirs. All theirs.

This moment, when he was his. All his.

"I love you."

And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm so yours for the taking
That's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me...

The sound of birds chirping woke him up. The room was starting to get filled with morning light, but even if his gaze was glued on the window he wasn't truly taking in the view.

He was curled to his side but he didn't have to look behind him to know that Sirius wasn't there. He had lost count how many mornings it had been since they had last woken up together, or when his scent had still been lingering in the room.

He wasn't there. He was going to face the world without him, yet again.

The thought made him close his eyes at once so he could go back. He knew better, and that knowledge was killing him and tearing him apart so slowly and painfully, but he needed to go back. He had been real again and he had been his at least for a few minutes, because he could still feel his kisses lingering on his skin. He could feel his touch, his fingers through his hair. He could feel his stubble still, he could hear that smirk in his voice.

"I love you."

He could still hear his heartbeat, almost as if the pillow his head was on was his chest, and unconsciously he closed his eyes tighter as he half buried his face in it.

But his scent wasn't there.

Sirius wasn't there.

He was...gone.

And I'll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams
'til I can bring you home with me
I'll try to sleep
And when I do I'll keep you in my dreams

It didn't take long for his eyes to open again; all it had taken was a flashback.

As he kept remembering the pieces of his dream that were still at an easy reach, a particular memory became stronger than the rest and took his breath away in the worst possible way. For a few seconds he had been back to that particular night, the night at the Ministry and the Department of Mysteries. He had been in front of that veil again. He had seen Sirius go through it, fading away from their reach and he could feel it again. He could feel the world shattering around him. He could feel his chest tightening as his heart felt as if it stopped beating yet again. He could feel a piece of him disappearing along with him because, ultimately, that was what Sirius had done. That was what he had always done - he had taken a piece of him to Azkaban and he had taken a piece of him through that veil as well.

If the veil wouldn't have been there, if they would have managed to keep Sirius at Grimmauld he would still be there. He would be in that bed with him, and he would be complaining about how he hadn't closed the curtains and the sun was waking him up. His arms would be around him, and they would be warm and comfortable...

The pillow felt like it was burning him then, and Remus finally sat up but he didn't get up just yet. He couldn't. He just rested his elbows on his knees and passed his hands wearily along his face, trying to ignore everything. Trying to bury it deep enough so he could function, because there were really no alternatives. Life had kept getting in the way, and had taken him away. Now he knew better, but once he had been foolish enough to believe that he would actually grow old with his first love. It had been logical, because... Well. Sirius had been the first. He had been the one that had first managed to steal his heart and soul away. The one that still owned a piece of him.

The one that always would have a piece of him, wherever he was. Distance didn't seem to have anything to do with it.

I knew it from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No, we're not going to sleep

Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony we're both
Flying away


ooc disclaimer/note: Sirius was used without permission but since it's a dream I hope it's okay...? There's no need to 'tie' this to an actual memory or even backstory unless Sirius!mun would like to do so. Song used was Blue October - 18th Floor Balcony.

Comments

ooc

[sayshisname.livejournal.com]

Gah, so well done. Perfect song choice too. I love Blue October. Sigh, you can feel Remus's emotions here, all of them, happy to desperate to...sigh yeah. <3

ooc

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I love Blue October, too. And, sigh, this song kills me whenever I hear it. I had been obsessing with it for a while, and now I know why. <333

ooc

[pinkhairedauror.livejournal.com]

Very well done!

*sniffles* I do love it...

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[r-moony.livejournal.com]

Thank you! <33

ooc

[bigbadpadfoot.livejournal.com]

You amaze me. Constantly. I shouldn't be amazed, anymore, because you are just wonderfuly, but...you always do. Always. And yes, it's fine. It's more than fine. It's...gah.

Re: ooc

[bigbadpadfoot.livejournal.com]

Also, this is for you:

ooc

[r-moony.livejournal.com]

*blush* Thank you, so much. You write such an amazing Sirius that it's very easy for me to just...feel my pup's emotions, so <333333

And the icon is lovely, thank you!!