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worldfromafarooc: Cut for length and disturbing content. If muses from this 'verse would like to tag, feel free to do so. Fic was inspired loosely by a fic written by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pinkhairedauror.
The past few nights Remus had been having trouble sleeping. If one were to consider the occasional insomnia he would sometimes be plagued by this wouldn't be a big deal, but the problem wasn't falling asleep. It was staying asleep the part that would leave him bleary eyed in the mornings until he was able to drink enough coffee to start looking as normal as possible again.
He would refuse to say why he couldn't stay asleep, however. If someone were to ask he would answer he just wasn't able to fall back asleep after a few hours, or would wave it off as 'worrying' over a lesson that he had to plan carefully for his older students, but the truth was something for him to carry. It was his to try and bury away.
Except, he couldn't. No matter how much he could try, that same 'problem' would resurface at one point throughout the night to make its presence known.
He couldn't remember the night when the nightmare started, but it wouldn't change much from one night to the other. Sometimes he would already be running. Other times he would be standing still before starting to sprint into the night.
What never changed was that, no matter how hard he would try to stop, he was never able to. His mind would think one thing and his body would continue on its own. It was that helplessness that would make him start muttering something under his breath as he slept, but he would continue sleeping.
That was barely the beginning of his nightmare, after all.
Usually he would wake up then, heart beating out of control and agitated enough to believe that he really had been running for as long as he had been in his dream. He would get out of bed, splash cold water against his face, and sit on his armchair by the fireplace to force himself to calm down.
Now he couldn't, though. No matter how much he kept muttering and tossing and turning, he just kept sleeping.
"NO. NO!!"
His voice echoed in the quiet room, and as his vision started to clear and adjust to the darkness he shakily got out of bed to rush to the bathroom.
Remus Lupin was no stranger to nightmares. Although they weren't always as strong, he was used to having them during the week leading up to the full moon as the beast started to make its presence known. He couldn't remember one this strong, though; at least none that had been recent, and none that had made him actually yell out like that as he woke up. But he could still feel everything. He could hear every sound, and the taste in his mouth wouldn't go away, and he could still see everything in just a blink.
'It was just a nightmare,' he tried to tell himself as he pushed his hair back once his face had been splashed with cold water and his mouth was rinsed. The details wouldn't go away with no matter how many times he kept saying and thinking it. It couldn't take away how he kept shaking, or how cold he felt, or just how absolutely disgusted in himself he felt.
He killed them. Harry and Sirius. Even if it had just been a nightmare he had killed them, and--
A strangled scream of frustration, mingled with a sort of growl, emerged from his throat then despite his best attempts to calm down, and he grasped a fistful of hair as he paced. It hadn't been real. No matter how it still felt it hadn't been real, because if it would have been...
His breathing quickened then and he had to lean against the wall of the bathroom as he suddenly felt too dizzy to keep standing. With the tournament slowly creeping up he had to admit that his fears for Harry and Sirius were starting to make their way to the surface again, and the nightmare was the proof of it.
Except it wasn't Voldemort the one that had killed them. It hadn't even been one of his Death Eaters. It had been himself.
Passing a hand wearily across his face, he tried to get himself to focus again. He would never join Voldemort, and he would never hurt Sirius or Harry.
"You're a Dark creature, Remus. You're one of us."
Fighting back that sick feeling again, Remus just leaned his head back against the wall and stared ahead at nothing. He was exhausted, but getting up and going back to bed so he could sleep was not an option. If anything, right now he doubted he would be able to willingly sleep in a while. A potion could be his solution, but he didn't want to see that questioning glance in Poppy's eyes, and he refused to go to Severus and ask for a favor like that.
He would have another sleepless night. He preferred that over falling asleep and dreaming again, so he just let his thoughts surround him as his mind went back to the nightmare.
Peter had been right about one thing: He was a Dark creature. But, despite his fears of not being able to keep his family safe, he knew he was a Dark creature that would never be one of them. He would rather die before that could happen.
word count: 1,348
pinkhairedauror.The past few nights Remus had been having trouble sleeping. If one were to consider the occasional insomnia he would sometimes be plagued by this wouldn't be a big deal, but the problem wasn't falling asleep. It was staying asleep the part that would leave him bleary eyed in the mornings until he was able to drink enough coffee to start looking as normal as possible again.
He would refuse to say why he couldn't stay asleep, however. If someone were to ask he would answer he just wasn't able to fall back asleep after a few hours, or would wave it off as 'worrying' over a lesson that he had to plan carefully for his older students, but the truth was something for him to carry. It was his to try and bury away.
Except, he couldn't. No matter how much he could try, that same 'problem' would resurface at one point throughout the night to make its presence known.
The cold wind brushing against his face makes him run faster and faster. His mind tells him to stop, to turn around and go back, but his body ignores the order completely and instead seems to run faster still.
'Stop. Stop, please stop,' he thinks to himself, but there's no change. He's still running.
Merlin, he's still running...
He couldn't remember the night when the nightmare started, but it wouldn't change much from one night to the other. Sometimes he would already be running. Other times he would be standing still before starting to sprint into the night.
What never changed was that, no matter how hard he would try to stop, he was never able to. His mind would think one thing and his body would continue on its own. It was that helplessness that would make him start muttering something under his breath as he slept, but he would continue sleeping.
That was barely the beginning of his nightmare, after all.
"Remus, stop. STOP. Look at me! I--"
The voice makes him flinch mentally, makes him try even harder to get himself to stop just how he has been asked, but he doesn't. He can't. He just keeps running even if he knows that voice. Even if he has sworn time and time again that he would never harm them.
An attempt is made to say something - he has to explain that he can't control this and for Merlin's sake to get out of the way - but his voice is gone. All that comes out is a snarl that says the exact opposite of how he's thinking and feeling, and he wonders just why he isn't sick to his stomach when he feels so nauseated by that sound.
It slips his mind, though, that it's not him the one that's in control; it's the wolf the one that has the upper hand. It's the wolf that's salivating at the thought of prey. It's the wolf that's tired of being pushed back and stored away.
A human is no match to a beast, after all. Tonight that's the lesson he's planning to teach.
Usually he would wake up then, heart beating out of control and agitated enough to believe that he really had been running for as long as he had been in his dream. He would get out of bed, splash cold water against his face, and sit on his armchair by the fireplace to force himself to calm down.
Now he couldn't, though. No matter how much he kept muttering and tossing and turning, he just kept sleeping.
As much as he tries to ignore what happens next, he can't. It's his eyes the ones that see everything, even if it's not him the one that does anything, and he can't shut away how it feels like to suddenly strike. First by pouncing, then by biting and tearing apart with such willingness and pleasure that for what feels like the hundredth time he feels sick again.
It continues, though. His vision seems to turn red, but it's so narrowed and fixed onto his prey that he doesn't miss a single detail.
'I'm sorry,' he wants to say, 'I'm so sorry, I can't--'
"I think that's good enough, Moony."
It's Peter. All he has to do is hear that voice and know it's him; he doesn't even have to look up right away. When he finally does he notices he's smiling so proudly, and a cloaked figure is standing just feet away from them.
"Feels good, doesn't it?" Peter asks, that smile still on his face. "See all you've been missing? I told you; joining the Dark Lord has its benefits, you were just too stubborn to see it. You're a Dark creature, Remus. You're one of us."
"NO. NO!!"
His voice echoed in the quiet room, and as his vision started to clear and adjust to the darkness he shakily got out of bed to rush to the bathroom.
Remus Lupin was no stranger to nightmares. Although they weren't always as strong, he was used to having them during the week leading up to the full moon as the beast started to make its presence known. He couldn't remember one this strong, though; at least none that had been recent, and none that had made him actually yell out like that as he woke up. But he could still feel everything. He could hear every sound, and the taste in his mouth wouldn't go away, and he could still see everything in just a blink.
'It was just a nightmare,' he tried to tell himself as he pushed his hair back once his face had been splashed with cold water and his mouth was rinsed. The details wouldn't go away with no matter how many times he kept saying and thinking it. It couldn't take away how he kept shaking, or how cold he felt, or just how absolutely disgusted in himself he felt.
He killed them. Harry and Sirius. Even if it had just been a nightmare he had killed them, and--
A strangled scream of frustration, mingled with a sort of growl, emerged from his throat then despite his best attempts to calm down, and he grasped a fistful of hair as he paced. It hadn't been real. No matter how it still felt it hadn't been real, because if it would have been...
His breathing quickened then and he had to lean against the wall of the bathroom as he suddenly felt too dizzy to keep standing. With the tournament slowly creeping up he had to admit that his fears for Harry and Sirius were starting to make their way to the surface again, and the nightmare was the proof of it.
Except it wasn't Voldemort the one that had killed them. It hadn't even been one of his Death Eaters. It had been himself.
Passing a hand wearily across his face, he tried to get himself to focus again. He would never join Voldemort, and he would never hurt Sirius or Harry.
"You're a Dark creature, Remus. You're one of us."
Fighting back that sick feeling again, Remus just leaned his head back against the wall and stared ahead at nothing. He was exhausted, but getting up and going back to bed so he could sleep was not an option. If anything, right now he doubted he would be able to willingly sleep in a while. A potion could be his solution, but he didn't want to see that questioning glance in Poppy's eyes, and he refused to go to Severus and ask for a favor like that.
He would have another sleepless night. He preferred that over falling asleep and dreaming again, so he just let his thoughts surround him as his mind went back to the nightmare.
Peter had been right about one thing: He was a Dark creature. But, despite his fears of not being able to keep his family safe, he knew he was a Dark creature that would never be one of them. He would rather die before that could happen.
word count: 1,348
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 12:31 am (UTC)For a moment he really wished he'd gone to get Sirius before coming in. Sirius was a pro at handling nightmares after all. But his instinct had been to rush into the room the moment he heard the scream. Gryffindors were always impulsive that way were they not?
He reached out and gently touched Remus's shoulder, squeezing it lightly the way he had done to Harry so many times over the years. "Do you wish to talk about it? Sometimes it helps." He paused, and then decided to be completely honest. "And sometimes it's easiest to not have to speak of it. I don't wish to push of course, but I'm a good listener if you want to talk."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 12:58 am (UTC)"Thank you. I know you are a very good listener, and I appreciate it, but I will be all right. I just wasn't expecting one this early in the month, and it took me by surprise. I am used to them when the full moon is near, not now."
He wasn't going to say Oh, I just had a dream that I killed you when I was in my other form and joined Voldemort while casually taking a sip of tea. He wasn't even sure if he would be able to gather enough courage to tell Sirius if he were to ask.
"May I ask why you are awake as well?" he asked gently. "I won't pry, but if you would like to talk about that you know I don't mind listening."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 01:26 am (UTC)There was a bit of silence that didn't become awkward thanks to the tea. It gave him something to do with his hands. Plus it was an excuse to not speak for a bit. Tea was best when it was hot after all.
"I only walk this hall. Never too far away from your apartment or Sirius's. It's a bit strange to feel confined in a castle this size isn't it?" It was a vague question, but one he had a feeling that Remus may understand better than most. He looked like Harry felt; as if he was crawling in his skin and staying still was a struggle.
"I didn't realize you had nightmares every month. The potion doesn't help with that, or does it make it worse?"
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 02:10 am (UTC)He had learned that over the years. He could be in a single room, feeling perfectly content, or he could be roaming around the castle for a chance to feel as if he was able to outrun his thoughts while feeling trapped no matter where he went. Right now it seemed as if their thoughts were the ones winning this particular 'race.'
"If you ever need or want company, more often than not I am usually up until very late or simply cannot sleep either. We could go around the grounds for a while if you ever feel like it."
We. He was not about to suggest him going out on his own, knowing the dangers that could be lurking out there.
As he tried to remember how bad the nightmares used to be before the potion he stirred some sugar into his tea. "The potion does help. But, to be honest, I am not sure if it really is part of my condition or if I simply think too much about the possible 'what ifs' and manage to give myself the nightmares." He let out a very small chuckle under his breath. "I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 08:04 am (UTC)He knew that Sirius had them sometimes. He suspected that the recent one was a blend of what Carrow did mixed with finding his parents that night when Harry was a baby. But the dreams Harry had had been recent. The one where he saw everyone die at Voldemort's hands had terrorized him to the point of being inconsolable cause it had felt so damn real. The one about Amycus had made him check for physical injuries even though he knew he was all right. When he had been a boy and he heard his godfather call out, Harry would simply crawl into bed with him and that would sometimes be enough for both of them to go to sleep. Harry had missed that simplicity sometimes. He wondered if perhaps he was better at comforting people when he had been a boy and reacted purely on instinct.
"I'm like the walks. And it goes both ways you know. I'm awake more often than not. I'm pretty enough; beauty sleep is overrated." It was a joke meant to cut some of the tension.
He placed the teacup on the table and did something that was very reminiscent of when he was a child and he'd try and comfort Remus on those days before or after the full moon if he was visiting. He rested his head on Remus's shoulder and reached out to squeeze Remus's hand in his own lightly. Screw being professional at school. This was his uncle Remus and he was clearly upset.
"The what ifs can be rather terrifying, I think. I wish I knew how to make it better for you, Uncle Remus."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 10:32 am (UTC)The joke made his lips quirk upwards before he chuckled again. "Thank you. I will definitely keep that in mind."
What Harry did, resting his head on his shoulder and squeezing his hand, brought a mixture of comfort that was inexplicable. His heart ached at the memory of the nightmare and how here he was, so willing to comfort him, but it was easier to remember it had all just been a bad dream. He would give his life for this boy that he loved so much. There was no way he would ever harm his nephew.
"You already do that, actually. It really is very comforting to know I can rely on you." Remus returned the gentle squeeze, and he leaned his head against Harry's as he smiled. "Knowing you are not alone helps to make things easier, and you are doing a fantastic job at reminding me of that."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 10:21 pm (UTC)Of course he realized later that even though he was in school it hadn't meant that Sirius was too far off. He'd stayed close enough to visit Remus and Harry when they had breaks. There were owls...and yes howlers. Ways to keep in touch. And while most people would have balked at the idea of their dad taking a teaching position their last year of school, Harry had been thrilled. He'd have both his godfather and Remus at school, and their family would be together all the time.
He didn't need to know what had upset his uncle so much because he wasn't trapped in sleep. As long as he was able to wake up and accept comfort then that put him a step or two ahead of the nightmare did it not? "Did you want to take a walk tonight? There are a few hours before sunrise."
Harry would need to grab his cloak and leave a note for Sirius if Remus wanted to venture out, but that was done easy enough.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 11:26 pm (UTC)And he was, more than he could say. He lived for Harry and Sirius, and even when Harry was still a child and wasn't in Hogwarts yet Remus knew that he could count on them no matter where they were.
Before Harry had come into the room Remus had started to think that maybe it was a bad thing that the two of them were so close to him in case, for whatever reason, the beast did start to take over how it had done in his dream. Now he realized how foolish he had been for even starting to think that. Having them so close was only his reminder of why he would never allow such a thing.
"I think that would depend on how tired you are. I have breaks in between my classes in case my lack of sleep catches up to me. You, on the other hand... I don't want you to start falling asleep in class." His lips tugged upwards, eyes even twinkling a bit as he added lightly, "Nephew or not, and even if you know what I'm teaching better than anyone in my class, I don't think me allowing you to sleep through lessons would be appropriate."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 02:08 am (UTC)"I'll get my cloak and leave a note for Dad. Give me just a few minutes." He gave Remus's hand one more squeeze before standing up and walking toward the door. It didn't take him long to slip on a sweater and his cloak. The note was left on the kitchen table where Sirius would be sure to find it.
Dad,
I went out with Uncle Remus for a walk. I'll be back before breakfast.
Love,
Harry
Once he had his cloak on, he headed back toward his uncle's apartment. Harry knocked lightly before letting himself back inside. It would be cold outside, but he was looking forward to the fresh air. It really did help with clearing his head. Plus he had a feeling Remus would feel better once they were walking around.