![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
...well, actually, these are songs from my writer's music list that I don't mind to listen to, over and over.
( ...probably more than you expect. )
( ...probably more than you expect. )
Feb. 24th, 2008
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fanfic50: 021. Moonlight.
Feb. 24th, 2008 02:44 amSet in grownhp6words, the night he moves to Hogwarts after his conversation with Harry.
It's late. He knows that much, but as he stares at the streaks of moonlight coming into his room, he realizes that he doesn't really care. It really doesn't matter.
It has been a few hours since Remus has moved into one of the apartments at Hogwarts, and already he's itching to go back to the house where he had been staying at. The one that had actually been comforting, because here in the castle he feels lost. Misplaced.
And he's a threat. He's a threat to the professors. He's a threat to the children. He had proven that on the full moon, hadn't he? He had woken up with blood all over.
As if on cue, his stomach churns and twists at the thought, but he ignores it by bringing the cigarette he's smoking up to his lips and taking a drag. A long drag to cloud what he's feeling. To feel the burn in his lungs. To try and get rid of the nausea and the thoughts that make him feel even worse than what he already is.
There are three cigarettes left in the pack Harry gave him earlier, and even if he knows he should probably stop smoking, and instead he should eat and sleep, he can't. Whenever he tries to eat, he feels sick again. Whenever he sleeps, he wakes up shortly after. He should probably go to Poppy, or even Severus for a potion but what is he supposed to say, exactly? He needs something for his nightmares? He needs something to get rid of the guilt that keeps sending his head spinning?
So, instead, he's sitting on the floor, back against the wall, and smoking as he stares blankly at the rays of moonlight that are coming into his room since the curtains are in the same place where they had been all day.
Tomorrow he would have to start pretending. He would step out of the room and face the students in the hallway. He would face the professors. He would face the rumors. He would face it all, and he had to come up with a way to not show what he's really feeling. He'll hide that helplessness, that panic, that fear, and that guilt deep within him. He will look worried as the rest of the professors do, but not panic. He would not give himself away.
But that's tomorrow.
Tonight he cannot face it all. Tonight he feels panicky. Tonight there's a helplessness so deep that he just smokes through another cigarette as if hoping it'll ease everything he's feeling.
Tonight he just sits on the floor, staring at the moonlight. Maybe this way he'll remember.
grownhp6words, the night he moves to Hogwarts after his conversation with Harry.It's late. He knows that much, but as he stares at the streaks of moonlight coming into his room, he realizes that he doesn't really care. It really doesn't matter.
It has been a few hours since Remus has moved into one of the apartments at Hogwarts, and already he's itching to go back to the house where he had been staying at. The one that had actually been comforting, because here in the castle he feels lost. Misplaced.
And he's a threat. He's a threat to the professors. He's a threat to the children. He had proven that on the full moon, hadn't he? He had woken up with blood all over.
As if on cue, his stomach churns and twists at the thought, but he ignores it by bringing the cigarette he's smoking up to his lips and taking a drag. A long drag to cloud what he's feeling. To feel the burn in his lungs. To try and get rid of the nausea and the thoughts that make him feel even worse than what he already is.
There are three cigarettes left in the pack Harry gave him earlier, and even if he knows he should probably stop smoking, and instead he should eat and sleep, he can't. Whenever he tries to eat, he feels sick again. Whenever he sleeps, he wakes up shortly after. He should probably go to Poppy, or even Severus for a potion but what is he supposed to say, exactly? He needs something for his nightmares? He needs something to get rid of the guilt that keeps sending his head spinning?
So, instead, he's sitting on the floor, back against the wall, and smoking as he stares blankly at the rays of moonlight that are coming into his room since the curtains are in the same place where they had been all day.
Tomorrow he would have to start pretending. He would step out of the room and face the students in the hallway. He would face the professors. He would face the rumors. He would face it all, and he had to come up with a way to not show what he's really feeling. He'll hide that helplessness, that panic, that fear, and that guilt deep within him. He will look worried as the rest of the professors do, but not panic. He would not give himself away.
But that's tomorrow.
Tonight he cannot face it all. Tonight he feels panicky. Tonight there's a helplessness so deep that he just smokes through another cigarette as if hoping it'll ease everything he's feeling.
Tonight he just sits on the floor, staring at the moonlight. Maybe this way he'll remember.
I am always asked that, if it was possible, would I go back in time and change that night that I was bitten. That is really one of the biggest things about myself that would seem logical to change, would it not? If I wasn't a werewolf, I wouldn't go through the transformations every month. If I wasn't a werewolf, my life could be much simpler.
In all honesty, however... If it truly was possible for me to change the past, I am not sure that I would.
Yes, it is horrible to live through a transformation. It is more painful than a lot of people imagine. It drains your body of every bit of energy you could possibly have. It ages you faster, because of how worn your body gets. Add that to doses of prejudice from others, simply for being considered a Dark creature and... Well. Being a werewolf is not exactly ideal.
If I wouldn't have gotten bitten, my life really would be drastically different.My parents and I would have maintained a better relationship. Being able to have a job would have been much easier from the very beginning. My outlook in life would be...entirely different than what it is now.
One of the biggest changes, however, would be my friendship with James, Sirius, and Peter. It simply wouldn't have been the same. I know for certain, at least, that I wouldn't have been as cautious and I would have most likely joined James and Sirius in pranks more often than not. That alone would have changed my life at Hogwarts tremendously. But if things really would have been that different, would we have grown as close as we did? They have been such a vital part in my life; they have helped define me in more ways than they can imagine. Even more than being a werewolf.
However my life may be now, no matter how bad it may seem at times, I don't think I would change anything about myself. ... Nothing so drastic, at least.
word count: 342
In all honesty, however... If it truly was possible for me to change the past, I am not sure that I would.
Yes, it is horrible to live through a transformation. It is more painful than a lot of people imagine. It drains your body of every bit of energy you could possibly have. It ages you faster, because of how worn your body gets. Add that to doses of prejudice from others, simply for being considered a Dark creature and... Well. Being a werewolf is not exactly ideal.
If I wouldn't have gotten bitten, my life really would be drastically different.
One of the biggest changes, however, would be my friendship with James, Sirius, and Peter. It simply wouldn't have been the same. I know for certain, at least, that I wouldn't have been as cautious and I would have most likely joined James and Sirius in pranks more often than not. That alone would have changed my life at Hogwarts tremendously. But if things really would have been that different, would we have grown as close as we did? They have been such a vital part in my life; they have helped define me in more ways than they can imagine. Even more than being a werewolf.
However my life may be now, no matter how bad it may seem at times, I don't think I would change anything about myself. ... Nothing so drastic, at least.
word count: 342