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Oct. 18th, 2007 11:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
worldfromafarBackdated to after this.
Once he had dropped off Harry at Grimmauld Place, Remus had left the house with the excuse that he needed to finish some things at the castle but in reality he just needed some space to think. One hour had turned into two, two into three and before he knew it he ended up wandering throughout London as he tried to sort out his thoughts. What Harry had said, about the possibility of him being a horcrux once more, was weighing heavily on his mind and he needed to figure things out within himself before being able to return home.
No matter how many hours had passed, however, he was still on the same spot and without being able to reach a conclusion. If they could figure out how everyone had managed to return from the dead, perhaps that way they could somehow figure everything out. If his theory was correct and some sort of Dark Magic (other than horcruxes) really had been used to bring Voldemort back, perhaps they could find a way to prevent it from happening again. If they could find a way to leave Voldemort without his magic before killing him once more...
The problem was on the 'how' of the matter. How could they figure out how they were back. How could they know if the horcruxes had somehow been restored. How could they leave Voldemort powerless to prevent yet another war later on.
The inability to come up with an answer was irritating Remus so much that, in an attempt to somehow clear his head, he had given in to an old habit: He had gotten a pack of cigarettes and had more or less smoked the whole pack during the hours he was gone. Heh, it had been so long since he had smoked a cigarette, but after just everything he had come to the conclusion that he needed one. And badly, too, so just for tonight he had given in to temptation.
Except, the cigarettes hadn't helped. They had eased his nerves a little, but the solution was as clear as it had been in the beginning.
How. How. How.
Taking a drag of the cigarette he held between his fingers, he looked up at the growing moon above him. Soon the full moon would be there, and he would try to test his hypothesis as to whether or not Dark Magic had been involved in bringing them all back from the dead. The problem was, that was still a week away and that week seemed so far... So much time had already passed without answers and now they needed something.
...then again, what if the answers were worse than the questions and speculations?
Not knowing doesn't mean it doesn't exist, a voice reasoned in his head and he let out the smoke he had inhaled with a sigh. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. Damned if they know, damned if they don't.
Stubbing out the cigarette, Remus looked up from the ground he had been so intently staring at as if it somehow contained the answers he had been looking for. The park in London where he had gone to was empty, but then again that wasn't surprising because it was already so late. Or early, depending on how a person wanted to look at it. Maybe it was because of what time it was, but it all seemed so...peaceful now. Compared to the tension in the wizarding world, this Muggle park was so calm that Remus just let himself get lost in that calm. He had died in the midst of a war. He had come back in the beginning of another one, and somehow both were starting to intertwine in his head so this brief moment of piece was something he wanted to just keep so he could take a good hold of the bit of sanity he had left.
A small breeze picked up as he lit up his last cigarette and a sudden creaking noise almost made him reach for his wand. It had been a swing, though, being swayed gently by the wind and Remus turned to look at the playground as he let the smoke he had slowly inhaled warm him up. Before Teddy had been born he had planned on taking him to playgrounds like these just as his mother had once done when he had been a child. He had planned on pushing him on those swings, watch him play in the sand, let him explore the park... Now here he was, twenty years later, and he had missed all of it. He had gladly died for his son's happiness, but now he was back. Had their return somehow...jeopardized the peace they had managed to win for others last time?
As the breeze picked up again and he watched the swings move gently along with it, now he pictured himself and Dora there, with Maisie. They were pushing her on that swing, and the grin on her face was one so wide and so happy that, even if it was just in his imagination, Remus' lips tugged upwards and he let out a small chuckle under his breath. Was it cruel, to think of something so happy, so perfect, when things were so horrible? Maybe. Probably, but the way something in him seemed to ease with that image of their daughter being so happy was worth everything. It was a sensation that no cigarette would ever manage to duplicate.
They needed to find that 'how,' he thought as he stood and started his walk back to Grimmauld Place. His son had grown without a war and he needed his peace back. His daughter deserved to also have that peace, have a chance at happiness. Harry finally needed to be done with wars once and for all. Just when yesterday things had seemed so hopeless, right now there was a thin silver lining that Remus was starting to cling to desperately. For his children. For every child, for his family, for...
Merlin, there were so many reasons. Had there always been so many, and he had simply started to forget?
He needed to find Benjy, have him help him in his research, but once he realized that it was far too late (or early) to send an owl he slowed his walk. First thing in the morning he would try to get in touch with him and they would look for some solution. They had to. What kind of father would he be if he didn't even try? What kind of husband, friend, wizard, Order member would he be if he just...gave up?
Once he finished his cigarette, he turned the cigarette stub into ashes that would disappear into the night, used a charm to get rid of the nicotine smell that was clinging to his clothes, and he quietly made his way into the house. As quietly as possible he went to Maisie's room to check on her, softly kissed her forehead good night, and headed towards the room he shared with Tonks.
The second he saw her and saw that she was asleep, he stopped for a moment and just smiled softly. She looked so peaceful that now all Remus wanted was to find refuge in that peace with her. She would be his calm until the next morning, when reality would greet them and there would be work to do.
Putting aside his traveling cloak and wand, he took off his shoes and belt, and he moved towards the bed so he could carefully lay down next to her. Since she was on her side, he laid down on his side as well and wrapped his arm from behind her. Very gently he brought her close to him, and sighed softly as his body slowly started to relax. It didn't matter that he was still dressed in most of his normal cltohes; after two nights without any sleep, after various other restless nights prior to that whlie his body was still trying to finish recovering because he kept pushing it to do more than what it was ready for, what he was sleeping in was the last of his worries.
He just needed sleep, and he slowly waited for it to come. Maybe he would sleep for an hour. Maybe four or five... It didn't matter. He was just going rest with her for now. He would concentrate on everything else once morning came.
Once he had dropped off Harry at Grimmauld Place, Remus had left the house with the excuse that he needed to finish some things at the castle but in reality he just needed some space to think. One hour had turned into two, two into three and before he knew it he ended up wandering throughout London as he tried to sort out his thoughts. What Harry had said, about the possibility of him being a horcrux once more, was weighing heavily on his mind and he needed to figure things out within himself before being able to return home.
No matter how many hours had passed, however, he was still on the same spot and without being able to reach a conclusion. If they could figure out how everyone had managed to return from the dead, perhaps that way they could somehow figure everything out. If his theory was correct and some sort of Dark Magic (other than horcruxes) really had been used to bring Voldemort back, perhaps they could find a way to prevent it from happening again. If they could find a way to leave Voldemort without his magic before killing him once more...
The problem was on the 'how' of the matter. How could they figure out how they were back. How could they know if the horcruxes had somehow been restored. How could they leave Voldemort powerless to prevent yet another war later on.
The inability to come up with an answer was irritating Remus so much that, in an attempt to somehow clear his head, he had given in to an old habit: He had gotten a pack of cigarettes and had more or less smoked the whole pack during the hours he was gone. Heh, it had been so long since he had smoked a cigarette, but after just everything he had come to the conclusion that he needed one. And badly, too, so just for tonight he had given in to temptation.
Except, the cigarettes hadn't helped. They had eased his nerves a little, but the solution was as clear as it had been in the beginning.
How. How. How.
Taking a drag of the cigarette he held between his fingers, he looked up at the growing moon above him. Soon the full moon would be there, and he would try to test his hypothesis as to whether or not Dark Magic had been involved in bringing them all back from the dead. The problem was, that was still a week away and that week seemed so far... So much time had already passed without answers and now they needed something.
...then again, what if the answers were worse than the questions and speculations?
Not knowing doesn't mean it doesn't exist, a voice reasoned in his head and he let out the smoke he had inhaled with a sigh. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. Damned if they know, damned if they don't.
Stubbing out the cigarette, Remus looked up from the ground he had been so intently staring at as if it somehow contained the answers he had been looking for. The park in London where he had gone to was empty, but then again that wasn't surprising because it was already so late. Or early, depending on how a person wanted to look at it. Maybe it was because of what time it was, but it all seemed so...peaceful now. Compared to the tension in the wizarding world, this Muggle park was so calm that Remus just let himself get lost in that calm. He had died in the midst of a war. He had come back in the beginning of another one, and somehow both were starting to intertwine in his head so this brief moment of piece was something he wanted to just keep so he could take a good hold of the bit of sanity he had left.
A small breeze picked up as he lit up his last cigarette and a sudden creaking noise almost made him reach for his wand. It had been a swing, though, being swayed gently by the wind and Remus turned to look at the playground as he let the smoke he had slowly inhaled warm him up. Before Teddy had been born he had planned on taking him to playgrounds like these just as his mother had once done when he had been a child. He had planned on pushing him on those swings, watch him play in the sand, let him explore the park... Now here he was, twenty years later, and he had missed all of it. He had gladly died for his son's happiness, but now he was back. Had their return somehow...jeopardized the peace they had managed to win for others last time?
As the breeze picked up again and he watched the swings move gently along with it, now he pictured himself and Dora there, with Maisie. They were pushing her on that swing, and the grin on her face was one so wide and so happy that, even if it was just in his imagination, Remus' lips tugged upwards and he let out a small chuckle under his breath. Was it cruel, to think of something so happy, so perfect, when things were so horrible? Maybe. Probably, but the way something in him seemed to ease with that image of their daughter being so happy was worth everything. It was a sensation that no cigarette would ever manage to duplicate.
They needed to find that 'how,' he thought as he stood and started his walk back to Grimmauld Place. His son had grown without a war and he needed his peace back. His daughter deserved to also have that peace, have a chance at happiness. Harry finally needed to be done with wars once and for all. Just when yesterday things had seemed so hopeless, right now there was a thin silver lining that Remus was starting to cling to desperately. For his children. For every child, for his family, for...
Merlin, there were so many reasons. Had there always been so many, and he had simply started to forget?
He needed to find Benjy, have him help him in his research, but once he realized that it was far too late (or early) to send an owl he slowed his walk. First thing in the morning he would try to get in touch with him and they would look for some solution. They had to. What kind of father would he be if he didn't even try? What kind of husband, friend, wizard, Order member would he be if he just...gave up?
Once he finished his cigarette, he turned the cigarette stub into ashes that would disappear into the night, used a charm to get rid of the nicotine smell that was clinging to his clothes, and he quietly made his way into the house. As quietly as possible he went to Maisie's room to check on her, softly kissed her forehead good night, and headed towards the room he shared with Tonks.
The second he saw her and saw that she was asleep, he stopped for a moment and just smiled softly. She looked so peaceful that now all Remus wanted was to find refuge in that peace with her. She would be his calm until the next morning, when reality would greet them and there would be work to do.
Putting aside his traveling cloak and wand, he took off his shoes and belt, and he moved towards the bed so he could carefully lay down next to her. Since she was on her side, he laid down on his side as well and wrapped his arm from behind her. Very gently he brought her close to him, and sighed softly as his body slowly started to relax. It didn't matter that he was still dressed in most of his normal cltohes; after two nights without any sleep, after various other restless nights prior to that whlie his body was still trying to finish recovering because he kept pushing it to do more than what it was ready for, what he was sleeping in was the last of his worries.
He just needed sleep, and he slowly waited for it to come. Maybe he would sleep for an hour. Maybe four or five... It didn't matter. He was just going rest with her for now. He would concentrate on everything else once morning came.
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Date: 2007-10-19 07:20 am (UTC)She could tell him about Sirius tomorrow. About Dolohov and Carrow and Snape.
The world could turn without them tonight.
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Date: 2007-10-19 07:27 am (UTC)It was like this that he finally started to fall asleep.