worldfromafar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
worldfromafar) wrote2007-11-26 01:43 pm
worldfromafar) wrote2007-11-26 01:43 pm
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10_letters: 050. Not Enough.
Author's note: For mun knowledge only; this is not something Remus would speak of freely. The Marauders would have a vague idea of it all (or a very good one, considering how much they know him and were friends with Remus at the time), and by the time he met Tonks he had more or less made his peace with it, but Remus wouldn't admit or say this out loud.
November 28th, 1979
Dad,
I don't know why you do it. I really, honestly don't. For years I have tried to understand and even justify your behavior, but today I cannot do it. I am just so angry at you that part of me wishes I could rely on that supposedly brave side of me and say this to you once and for all.
As hard as it is for you to accept it, I am your son. Despite the beast I turn into, despite the creature that lives under my skin, I am your SON. It's true, I admit it; the boy you knew died that certain night in February so many years ago, but that is no excuse for you to simply dismiss the one you got stuck with instead. That boy needed you as much as the other did, if not more. Because, like it or not - dark creature or not - I am your son. And Ineed needed you, Dad. So bloody much.
Don't get me wrong, the first couple of years after I got bitten you did wonderfully. You were still the father I had grown up with for six years. I remember you arguing with healers until they would give up and allow you to stay with me overnight when you were not supposed to be in the ward anymore. You got me everything I needed, gave me whatever I wanted. More important than anything else, however, you were there.
You knew before we all did, didn't you? You knew the experiments and treatments wouldn't work even before the healers confirmed it; that's why you started to pull away when you did. And, for the record, I didn't need gifts. I didn't even need all those treatments for a cure, because I would have accepted everything sooner and so much easier if you would have done so as well. But you didn't. You and Mum needed every possibility tested, and while I understand that I sometimes doubt all those years were really for me. They were so you could fix me; so you could get your little boy back.
You shouldn't have tried so hard to fix me. Instead you should have tried harder to love and accept me as I was. As I am, because to this day you cannot even look me in the eye whenever you talk to me. You start seeing signs of the transformation taking over, and you can't even... Merlin, and you shouldn't have done so wonderfully the first two years. You do not know how much I hoped and wished you could have gone back to being that man, or how much I wished Mum would see past that curse and just...accept things. But she was a Muggle, Dad. She didn't understand a lot of things about this world, no matter how open she was about it, and werewolves definitely fell into that category. You, on the other hand... Or is that why you didn't try? Because you know the creature that I am?
The truth is that you don't know me. You think you do, but just because we share the same last name, and just because you have surely read every book there is about Dark creatures, that does not mean you know me.
Do you want to know what the worst part is? I will still be here in the morning when you wake up, because you are ill and you need me no matter how much you dislike it; because even if you stopped being my father years ago, I am still your son. I will still make excuses for you. I will still try to justify everything. I will still apologize to you, because I am not the son you wanted; because I was not enough. And, even if you will never read this letter because I plan on burning the parchment as soon as I finish, I hope you know that I still love you, no matter how horrible this feels.
Your son,
Remus.
November 28th, 1979
Dad,
I don't know why you do it. I really, honestly don't. For years I have tried to understand and even justify your behavior, but today I cannot do it. I am just so angry at you that part of me wishes I could rely on that supposedly brave side of me and say this to you once and for all.
As hard as it is for you to accept it, I am your son. Despite the beast I turn into, despite the creature that lives under my skin, I am your SON. It's true, I admit it; the boy you knew died that certain night in February so many years ago, but that is no excuse for you to simply dismiss the one you got stuck with instead. That boy needed you as much as the other did, if not more. Because, like it or not - dark creature or not - I am your son. And I
Don't get me wrong, the first couple of years after I got bitten you did wonderfully. You were still the father I had grown up with for six years. I remember you arguing with healers until they would give up and allow you to stay with me overnight when you were not supposed to be in the ward anymore. You got me everything I needed, gave me whatever I wanted. More important than anything else, however, you were there.
You knew before we all did, didn't you? You knew the experiments and treatments wouldn't work even before the healers confirmed it; that's why you started to pull away when you did. And, for the record, I didn't need gifts. I didn't even need all those treatments for a cure, because I would have accepted everything sooner and so much easier if you would have done so as well. But you didn't. You and Mum needed every possibility tested, and while I understand that I sometimes doubt all those years were really for me. They were so you could fix me; so you could get your little boy back.
You shouldn't have tried so hard to fix me. Instead you should have tried harder to love and accept me as I was. As I am, because to this day you cannot even look me in the eye whenever you talk to me. You start seeing signs of the transformation taking over, and you can't even... Merlin, and you shouldn't have done so wonderfully the first two years. You do not know how much I hoped and wished you could have gone back to being that man, or how much I wished Mum would see past that curse and just...accept things. But she was a Muggle, Dad. She didn't understand a lot of things about this world, no matter how open she was about it, and werewolves definitely fell into that category. You, on the other hand... Or is that why you didn't try? Because you know the creature that I am?
The truth is that you don't know me. You think you do, but just because we share the same last name, and just because you have surely read every book there is about Dark creatures, that does not mean you know me.
Do you want to know what the worst part is? I will still be here in the morning when you wake up, because you are ill and you need me no matter how much you dislike it; because even if you stopped being my father years ago, I am still your son. I will still make excuses for you. I will still try to justify everything. I will still apologize to you, because I am not the son you wanted; because I was not enough. And, even if you will never read this letter because I plan on burning the parchment as soon as I finish, I hope you know that I still love you, no matter how horrible this feels.
Your son,
Remus.
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And he wants to hug Scorpius.
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