au_muses: Write a letter to the one that got away. [november]

[worldfromafar]

There have been so many times when I have wanted to write this and actually send it to you, but for one reason or another I simply don't. It ends up unfinished or tossed away. Perhaps this is the lucky one?

This may seem foolish, and I know the risk I run by admitting this, but there is something I need you to know before I die full of regret that I never said it. As it is, you have no idea how much I regret not saying this sooner but whenever I try the words are just never there. Any speech I have practiced seems pointless, and I just stop myself before I start.

Leave it to me to over think things, yes?

The truth of the matter is that, after all these years, I still love you. I love you as much as I loved you then and sometimes I question myself if that's even the case because it seems as if I just love you more as time passes. Foolish? Yes. I know it may be is, but there hasn't been much I have been able to do about it.

Most of the time I don't want to feel this way. I would give anything to simply erase what I feel so that I can finally move on but I cannot do it. Why? Because it simply seems as a way to lose you again, and losing you once already was bad enough. To do so again, so willingly, hurts more than whatever it is I am feeling.

I don't expect you to feel the same way. I don't expect you to change your life for me. I have never expected either one of those things, or anything else, really. I just... I need you to know all this, for reasons that I have yet to fully understand.

I love you.

Always,

Remus stared at the piece of parchment in front of him after he finished rereading his words for what felt like the millionth time. All he needed to do was sign it and send it. Maybe wait for a reaction. Maybe wait for a response.

Just as the tip of his quill touched the parchment, however, Remus sighed as he closed his eyes.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't sign it. He couldn't send it.

What right did he have to disrupt someone else's life with his confession? What right did he have to just...barge in out of the blue with something he was supposed to be done with years and years ago? Did he really want to lose what they did have? Because that was the risk he was running, and...

No. He couldn't do it.

Setting the quill aside, he crumpled up the parchment and tossed it aside, not caring that it had missed the waste basket completely. Another letter, wasted and never read.

With a sigh of frustration he just leaned back against his chair and passed a hand along his face, reminding himself once more that he had to let it go. He just...had to somehow find a way to move on, even if he already knew it was impossible to do so.



word count: 532